Being Real

There are moments in life where you feel a change is needed. All too often we battle that feeling. We fight it tooth and nail- hanging on to what we are, what we know, and what we think we want/need. It may involve a career. A relationship. Financial. A move. Your health, mental or physical. Whatever it is, we have all been there at one point or another. If we are truly honest with ourselves- we fight these feelings a lot.

I have been battling these feelings on multiple fronts for awhile. Some of these battles are miniscule compared to others but regardless, they are all there and needing to be acknowledged. I am going to be candid. Hell, brutally honest. I need to acknowledge these issues and make the necessary changes. Not all can be solved quickly or easily. They all will require time, energy, effort and sacrifice.
That is seriously scary and overwhelming. However, I am a list maker. I enjoy lists (in colorful pens) and the ability to check things off that list. My goal this week... be real with myself. Aren't we the hardest ones to be real with?? We know the truth but we still lie to ourselves constantly. At least we know we all do it in one way or another. Today I shall deal with truths. Then I will deal with my plan for addressing them. If you all have any ideas- share!! (No diet companies- Shakeology, Advocare etc though please!)

Truth 1. I am fat. This is no secret. I have been since my mid 20's.  Four kids ago- I never lost the weight. I have (half heartedly) tried TONS of times. I have run marathon relays. I have joined countless gyms. I have been a member of every diet company possible (almost). Yet- even when I lose a good chunk- I do not keep it off. I haven't been under 200 since before having Hais. She will be 13 in two months. Being fat has controlled my life. It controls my interactions with people. It controls my inner dialogue. As I have gotten older, it limits me more and more. I want to be able to be confident in my skin. I know some people are fat and confident- I am not one of those people. I have hid as much as possible from Facebook. Few pictures of me. The unflattering ones not posted or quickly untagged.  Who am I hiding from? The people who I haven't seen in decades? Seems crazy! The people I love enough to be in my life- know I am fat.

Do I know how to resolve this? Yep. I know exactly what I need to do. It doesn't require any super powers. I need to change how I eat. I need to move my body. It is not brain surgery. I can blame lack of energy or stress for not making those changes. Yet I know I have it in me. I really want to do it for myself. However, I really want to be a good example for my kids (especially my daughter) for taking care of myself. I want to be the best example ever and make sure she has a good sense of self and a fantastic body image.

Truth 2. Financially we are screwing ourselves. I haven't added up our debt in awhile. It is one of those "I'd rather hide under a rock" situations lol. I do know though- it needs to be done. Quickly. We have too many credit cards. We don't use any but they were such high balances- we cant use many of them anyways. I have wanted to get a job but realistically- I would be working to pay for childcare for the twins, before/after school care for Carter- it doesn't seem worth it. I am going back to school to work on an accounting degree, in hopes of being able to eventually work from home to contribute. We are in that situation of too much month for our paycheck. I can honestly say that I am dangerously close to not having enough money to get gas the remainder of the month. Did I spend wisely this month? No. I spend more than I should on stuff we definitely do not need. This is the area I will be addressing first. Obviously I will be working on paying off our debt but first I need to make a plan to live within our means. (I have used Dave Ramsey btw- clearly did not work as hard as needed on that program lol).

Truth 3. I have depression. That is hard to admit. The crazy thing about depression- it doesn't manifest itself the same in everyone. I thought it meant I would want to lay in bed and not function everyday. For me, it is mood swings. One moment I am ok. Then I am fighting tears. Then I am pissed off (over something not even worth the frustration).  I am a runner. I do actually run but in this situation I mean I want to run away from situations. I think that a different place, person, state etc will make the situation magically better. If we had funds for it, I would probably "run" home 4-5 times a year. It is like my safety area. I want to run for my best friends couch. Run for grandma/grandpa to help with babies. Just run. Not sure how to address it, other than medication. I know there are other ways but it will take some time and energy to address this bad boy and I will figure it out. I do think that this needs to be addressed before the fat part because I truly feel it is one of the major catalysts for my physical health. I feel like I have been in such a funk for close to a decade and somehow I need to get to the root of the issue.

These seem like insurmountable tasks at times. I struggle with where to start. I struggle with the energy to make a plan and the motivation/willpower to stick with my plan. However- I want to make sure I don't waste away my 30's. I did that with my 20's and that makes me sad. Seriously- now that I have two babies who wont even graduate high school until I am 53- it is even more real that I need to start taking care of myself. I have to fight through the tired that I have with two babies and no thyroid. I will figure this out.

I wrote half of this yesterday and then go called for (in the form of two babes crying, up from their naps).  It seemed like it was meant to happen though because I was forwarded an article that literally spoke to me. It is an article called, "Are you Lonely, Mama?" It is written by Kristen at When at Home.

Here are a few excerpts that spoke directly to me...

Sometimes, I go to Target and walk around just to have interaction with people outside of my house. When I’m out with the boys and I look up from the chaos long enough to see another mama doing the same things I’m doing, I just want to run over to her and say, “Are you lonely too? Do you want the same things I want? Do you struggle with the same things I do? Will you judge me for failing? For being scared? For wanting to run away from my kids? For forgetting to put shoes on the oldest and a clean diaper on the youngest? Can we be friends? Am I freaking you out? I don’t care. HOLD ME.”

          - This is totally me- with Safeway! I think I spend roughly $150 a week there on stuff I don't actually need. I finally realized- I go for the interaction... to be in public... to get out of my head and out in the world. That is sad. Really sad. (And not helping #2 of above listed problems- lol)

Mama, I know that you’re lonely too. It’s ok. Just remember that this is a season and it is the most sacred season you will ever have the honor of experiencing. This is the time when your babies need you and want you and enjoy having you around. This is the time when they will cling to your legs as you try to leave the house without them and run into your arms when you come home as if you’d been gone a lifetime. You will never be more loved and wanted and needed as you are right now…in this moment.

          -If I hear one more person tell me how fast this time will go or to cherish it all... I will scream. I have two other kiddos. I know it goes fast. I know I will desperately miss these moments one day. I will miss the cuddles. The coo's. The baby babble. However- that is the worst thing to say to a momma in the throes of baby- let alone 2 babies. This is a lonely time. It is overwhelming. It is exhausting. Unless you have multiples (not 2 kids close in age- not the same!!), do not give me advice. Do not expect me to do anything but secretly want to throat punch you.

The point is, don’t let loneliness steal this season from you. It’s precious and it’s beautiful and it will be over way too soon.

          -I am oh-so-lonely. I crave my girlfriends back home. I want soooo badly to do life with them. I long for close friends and I just do not have those here.  I think it is just life. I came here with cancer treatment as our first priority- then healing. I then had 2 amazing babies. We have been in a different season here. Priorities unfortunately have not been lasting friendships. Therefore, I have few. I just want to sit on the couch with my best friends back home and cry on the hard days, laugh at the craziness, go grocery shopping, and see our kids play together. Yet- that is not life for me right now. I need to be in the moment more.

~I have a lot of figuring out to do. I want to get all these areas in control but the fact of the matter is... it wont be easy. It will be a long process. It will be frustrating, overwhelming, exhausting, and difficult. I used to be someone who thrived on a challenge. I just need to find that fire within me and stop being afraid of failure. Onto planning- colorful markers and all!

Exhausted

I haven't written in so long. I can blame life. Twins. Hubby who is constantly gone. It really is just...life.

However, I have been craving the release of a post. Finding time is tough

















but totally doable. I fear this will be a lot of rambling due to so much being in my thoughts and not having a place (other than here) to release them. Bear with me.

I am struggling on multiple fronts. First and foremost, I am running on empty in many areas. Sleep. Relationships. Energy.

Sleep. Babies are still not sleeping longer than 3-4 hours at a time at night. Honestly, it is probably closer to 2-3 hours. Not sleeping seriously breaks you down. To your core. Even when they do sleep, I feel constantly on edge waiting for one to wake. We have tried using formula feelings for the last meal if the night. We do a routine. We have added oatmeal to bottles. We even did a few nights of cry it out. I think that the true issue is daytime routines... Or lack of. I believe it is sabotaging me. However, I feel so exhausted and overwhelmed I can't get it together to put together (let alone follow) a routine. It's like a vicious cycle. I am truly not sure how much longer I can manage.

Relationships. I am starving for relationships here. I have very few close friends here. I am feeling more withdrawn daily. I hover around home cause it is easier with two babies. Everyone thinks they are adorable but to actually hang out with me (and two babies) is another story. I actually told Lee that I go to Safeway several times a week to have interactions with grown ups. I feel alone. I am tired. Overwhelmed. Lonely. I feel like people all around me gave these awesome support systems and I am out there flailing alone.

Energy. I need to get moving. Once again, one of those crazy vicious cycles. I'm too tired to imagine doing anything but I know if I started... I'd feel better and have more energy. I could definitely use some positive energy coming this way...

I have also been struggling with reaching out to someone who used to be important. I feel like I miss them soooo much. I partly fear they will not reach back or even laugh at my attempt. Then there is that part of me that silently realizes that I shouldn't be reaching out because they ring deserve to be in my life... But man I miss her...


I am a doer. A list maker. I truly believe I need to turn my pity party into action. I will feel better as I cross things off my goal list... Have to start somewhere...

1- Blog more. Get the emotions out and stop bottling them up

2- Move my arse. I want to start swimming. And walking. Use my gym membership to swim and get two hours of kid freedom. Then walk the neighborhood. The boys love being in their stroller and I need to move! Maybe drive to different areas of the neighborhood and walk for changes of scenery.

3- Daily moments of quiet and devotion. Maybe make a deal with Lee... 5:30-6 am is my time. If babies are up, he handles them. If not, he sleeps. I think I need to set aside that time for me.

*positives* (I have lots of positives... Health, family, friends etc are implied- these are others!)

93 days til Christmas in NorCal
Carter passed his sight word test... Will post on its importance soon!


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