Loss

It has been a little bit since I have blogged. For the last week or so- it was due to lifes craziness. Then for a few days I had something I wanted to blog about and was trying to brainstorm the best way to do it. It was BIG news and therefore- needed a BIG announcement. We were preggo.

Yep, were. I announced on FB finally. We were 11 weeks. Felt safe. Our amazing announcement pics were done. So I announced. Two days later- I went to my appt and was complaining about all the adult responsibilities that were to be done that day and how I just wanted to soak up all the sunshine that was out here in Germany. Then- at 9:35am on Friday April 27... my life was flipped upside down. In his thick German accent, my Dr announced that there was no heart activity.

And.Just.Like.That. Our family is complete. It will just be 4 of us. Our dream of 5... is no longer going to be a reality. We spent a year doing fertility treatments for this baby. A year of daily shots in my stomach and hour (each way) car rides once a week for me. And 4 devastating negative rounds. And finally- round 5- gave us that BFP we were hoping for.

We had decided that if we were not preggo by deployment- we were done. So we had just made it. 9 weeks before the deployment- we were preggo. And two weeks in- we weren't. 

I love Kelle Hampton from Enjoying the Small Things. I have been reading her blog for a long time and just finished her book. She talks about her "net." I was so envious. I have great friends but being so far from home- it is hard sometimes. Friday- showed me I was SOO wrong about some things.

My "net" was in full force. I had friends calling Afghanistan to get there hubbies to go get mine so he could call me. I had friends drop everything and spend the day with me at the hospital- even though they are in their last week with their husbands. Some got me groceries. Some called my family in the states since I couldn't. There were people rushing to watch kiddos and take care of animals. I had countless emails/texts etc asking what they could do for me. Just a testament to my military community. We band together at the worst of times to get one another through tragedies.

My husband also had his net downrange. Guys checking on him. Taking him off the flight schedule. Poor guy was out there prepping his helicopter for a flight and got the message to call me asap. He called as I was meeting with anethesia before the D&C.

The D&C went fine. I felt ok after it all. I actually got up the next day and mowed the lawn etc. I had girlfriends who insisted on coming over and having brunch while the kiddos played outside. A friend came and baked all afternoon cause I did not know what I wanted- but I wanted crap! Just plain crap food! lol

I feel ok. The dr said that most likely it was something with the baby since it was a missed miscarraige.  I am devastated. I do not have the luxury of dwelling on it though. I have two kiddos (including a very intuitive 9 year old) who are relying on me.  But at night- when it is just me- I have my moments where life is suffocating and breaths are hard to find. We had family pictures done a month ago and I am in the process of placing the order now that the proofs are ready. I am excited. They look fantastic. I love SOOO many of them.  Then tonight- I realized- there were 5 of us in that photo. I was wearing a cute maternity shirt. We did our announcement photos that day.  As much as I love those pictures I am not sure I can hang the family ones on my wall... knowing that our hopes of growing our family were in that picture.

There are silver linings... (I know that sounds awful... clearly I would never choose this but I have to find some positive in the hand I have been dealt)...
1)Can have my thyroid out now!!! Woohoo since the Dr wanted it out and was upset I was preggo!
2)Back on WW and back to running! I have been missing running but haven't been doing it since I stopped for too long before getting preggo!
3)Can do home in Nov and run the CIM again! Think I am attempting the second two legs- so basically- a half! My two girl friends are going to run the same legs so someone is running with me!
4) We can do family pics again and I will be smoking hot! When Lee gets home- my goal is to be 40 lbs DOWN!

This is long. If you made it all the way through- thank you! It was a heavy topic and one that makes me feel better to be off my chest....

Does anyone else dislike this new layout as much as I do?? I feel like I have to start all over figuring this out! Ugh!

I realize I have been absent lately. I won't lie- struggling getting into the hang of our "new" life. I am doing fine but honestly... just tuckered out! So- the only time I am usually on the computer- is in the evening after the kiddos hit the sack. That is like 7:45 and I am usually in bed by 8:30-9.

I started working as a contractor for Hallmark. So that is taking good bit of my time. I am responsible for the Hallmark section at our PX, which is sort of fun actually. And it is nice to contribute some money to the family account after not contributing for the last 4-5 years!

I had someone ask me the other day if I am one of  "those people" who choose to stay too busy during deployments. And why I give myself so many obligations. I wasn't sure how to answer. Honestly- it sort of felt like a jab more than an honest question. Yes, I stay busy. It makes life easier. It makes time go a little faster. That does not mean that I do not enjoy my days home! Monday I spent half the day at the school helping with setting up the book fair and today was spent working at the PX. I am super excited for no obligations tomorrow!! I will cozy up in my house and enjoy the peace and quiet. There is no reason for me to change what works for me. There is not reason for anyone else to either. I also am not going to judge someone else and how they choose to get through this time of seperation. Deployments are tough and each person has to find their own (healthy and responsible) way of getting through it!

Here are some pictures from our last few weeks... Sort of all over the place!

 The kiddos at LegoLand...

 My gorgeous girl...

 C playing with daddy doll. He won't go anywhere without it!

We became the GodParents to this sweet little man, Jackson Ryan Mahany.  His parents, Ryan and Crystal are Hailee's Godparents...

Deployment #3---

Just some pictures. I am doing fine actually but not sure I have it in me to put words to this posting at this point. I am just fresh out of words! But enjoy the pictures...

Liebster Blog Award

I was just informed I won the Liebster Blog Award! Woohoo! I was nominated by my friend Shauna over at Life Captured!

The Liebster Blog Award is for up and coming blogs with fewer than 200 followers.

That is exciting!! I remember when my blog had 7 followers! I am thrilled with my 73!

Rules:

1. Choose five up and coming blogs to give the award to. Must have less than 200 followers.

2. Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them.

3. Post the award on your blog.

4. List the blogs you gave the award to with links to their sites. Leave a comment on their blog to let them know they have received the award.

5. Share five random facts about yourself.

My chosen 5...

Paige over at A Year Without Him - Paige is one of my good friends and the honesty she writes with is amazing!

Karli at California Dreamin - One of the first blogs I ever followed!

Turnerlifearound - Love her back story! And she is a runner- which makes me smile!

Delightfully Coconuts - Her daughter and I share a name! How cool

Five Random Facts

-I buy movies if they look like one I (or someone in my family) will like it... I probably havent watched 1/2 of my 1000+ movies

-I love love love colored pens. Permanent markers, gel pens, etc

-I am from Northern California but will never move back- my heart belongs in the south

-I was in the Army for 4 years

-I LOVE to be organized!

List of Books/Movies

Looking for a list of must see classic movies to watch during this deployment... Help!

Also- how about some book recommendations?

Thanks guys!

Kicking it into gear without even realizing it...

So- we are down to just a handful of days left. Just one single weekend left. Just a handful of nights in the same bed left. Deployment three is here. This time next week- we will already be several countries away from each other. Honestly- a world away from each other. What kills me about deployments- not knowing.

I have been married to this man almost 12 years. I know everything about him. I know his habits. I know his preferences. I know what his toothbrush looks like. What makes these deployments particularly difficult- not knowing these sections of his life. For each year he is gone- I do not know what his bed looks like. I do not know his daily routine. I do not know where he keeps his toothbrush or where he works. I mean- I see pictures and see it through Skype. It is not the same. It is weird to not know basic parts of my husbands life. So unsettling.

Today we got the official time and date I will have to drop him off. I am sad but honestly a little relieved that this time next week- the worst part will be over. The dropping them off, last hugs, watching them walk through that doorway... is awful. Pure torture. It is knowing that it is the last time they will see you (and even worse- their children) for months.

A weird thing happened though today. This wave of "pull your big girl panties up and adjust" sorta already started in me. I mowed the lawn. I vacuumed and washed the car. These are things I have to do while he is gone (and honestly- I do not mine). But I caught myself thinking about how it was already starting. I am on my own again. I will be fine. I know it. I am just ready to already be into this thing... The sooner it starts... the sooner it ends. Right?

Bloom- A Memoir

I may not post for a few days. I am enveloping myself in quality family time- soaking in every second until my Mr. leaves us. Spring Break is upon us- which means coffee shop trips with Hais in the morning after we drop off C at school. It means baking cupcakes with her and cuddling on the couch with her while watching a movie.
The rain outside makes for cozy inside days. It means art projects and curling up with a book. The book that I am currently devouring is by one of my favorite bloggers ever- Kelle Hampton from Enjoying the Small Things. If you have never read her blog (which I would be shocked)- you are missing out. She has this amazing way with words that at times have me smiling and at times have me in tears. She did a post awhile ago about Friends and making time. I actually saved it to my computer because it is something that I want to be able to read whenever I need a reminder:)
Her personal story is simply amazing and her book is proving to be as captivating as her blog!

So- I am halfway through the book. It has taken me less than a day so far! I shall be back... but go check out her blog if you have time!! Read the story about her daughter Nellas birth- it will have you in tears! So amazingly honest!

He is 2!!!

2 years ago this little man stole my heart!

It is ridiculous how much love I had the moment I met him.

At 4:56pm on Friday April 9, 2010, Carter Adam became a part of our family.

I cannot believe he is our little man!

He has become this beautiful little guy. He is such a handful! Keeps us on our toes constantly.

He is a lover of dinosaurs. He is his sisters biggest fan. A daddys boy. A late night cuddler. A running- throwing-growling boy. All boy!

He is the perfect addition to this family.

Sweet boy- we are so blessed. You have made me smile on so many occasions and I cannot imagine our family without you in it!!

Fun Repost from 2008- updated

I had to repost this from Sept of 2008. SOOO fun! I also altered a few
things:)

1. I have gone to 5 different colleges in 3 different states!
2.I always thought I wanted only 2 kids and now I am set on having 3
3. I had Hailee on Thanksgiving Day in 2002.
4. Lee and I were married less than 4 months after we met
5. I have no living Grandparents. I was only 21 when the
last one died.
6. I got caught once cutting a corner on the way home and I
pulled my car in someones driveway when the cop turned around to pull me
over.
7. I CANNOT stand people with bad eating habits. Chew with your mouth
shut and quit slamming the silverware against the plate!!!
8. When I was a teenager I had a weird shaving ritual. Once I was done shaving I would have to
put on tall socks and pull them up to my knees.
9. I have to constantly put lotion on in order to fold clothes! Cannot stand to touch certain materials! I am weird, I know
10. I used to need to fall asleep to the tv- now I need silence!
11. I have an AMAZING relationship with my sister. She is my hero
12. I lettered in softball all four years of high school.
13. I carried a ceramic heart made for me in high school as a lucky charm for a long time
14. I was voted "Totally Tan" in the Senior vote
15. I dye my hair about 4 shades darker brown than it actually is
16. I thought my eyes were brown until about 3 years ago, when I found out they were green.
17. My sister, dad and I have star tattoos that have a special meaning
18. I went to Prom all four years of high school
19. I dated the Principals son for over a year in high school
20. I have an addiction to scarves, lotion, flip flops and purses
21. I take everything personally. If you are in a bad mood and not in the mood to talk, I will think that I did something to make you mad (STILL DO)
22. The scariest thing about moving to Germany... only 9 tv channels and only one is Prime Time! (I have adjusted but now worrying about adjustment back to the states next year!)
23. I could live on Tomato BasilSoup!
24. I believe in ghosts.
25. I hate driving automatics, prefer a stickshift
26. I have a huge desire to wear red lipstick but not the guts to do it!
27. I call my mom and dad everyday
28. I love the show Kings of Queens
29. I have over 1000 movies
30. I have awesome family- including my in laws
31. I still think my husband is sexy, eight years later! (12 YEARS NOW)
32. I am a list maker! A list for everything!
33. I burnt for the first time ever in my life while 5 months pregnant in Hawaii
34. I desperately want to learn how to sew but get frustrated really easy when I try
35. I stress out about grades. I have had A’s in every single class I
have taken in college. (GOT MY FIRST B TWO SEMESTERS AGO WHILE PREGGO-)
36. I love cuddling with Hailee and C
37. I have never had braces but have really straight teeth
38. I had season passes growing up to Sierra Ski Resort
39. I love to run, the runners high is addictive!
40. I love the number 14
41. I take great pictures but not as good as my sis in law
Andria!
42. I want to be a girly girl but usually end up in jeans and a
tee
43. I have gone back to the states to visit 7 times in 4 years here!
44. Mexican is my favorite food (AND I MISS IT)
45. I cannot do schoolwork if the room I am in is cluttered and messy.
46. I ran a marathon relay with three of my girlfriends last December back in California. I ran the hilliest 8 miles of my life!
47. I cannot wait to move back to the states
48. I freak out if someone chases me (even playing around chasing!)
49. I adore when my husband plays with my hair.
50. If I want to fall asleep, I ask my husband to pick out a movie and we lay down. I always fall asleep to his movies!
51. My first job was as a coffee barista at Sweetie Pies
52. I love long necklaces.
53. I worked in the toddler room at Hailees daycare. I only lasted 1 month!!
54. I have subscriptions to 8 magazines!
55. I love the tv show Intervention
56. I prefer winter to summer (THANK GOODNESS-CAUSE WINTER HERE IS LIKE 7 MONTHS OF THE YEAR)
57. I wish I could get my bangs to do that side sweep look consistently!
58. I joined the Army when I was 20 and spent 4 years in
59. I adore the color red but wear mostly neutrals
60. I was sort of a bitch in high school and now regret it
61. I love California but will never move back
62. I love watching my husband play soccer
63. I carry big purses but really cause they double as a diaper bag!
64. I like the feeling of tweezing my eyebrows
65. I am SUPER protective of my kiddo
66. I am SUPER protective of my sister
67. I have had laser hair removal
68. Not a huge beach fan, rather go to the mountains
69. Have lived in California, South Carolina, Texas, North
Carolina(twice), Washington, Germany and Alabama
70. Have traveled to Italy, Ireland, Austria, Poland, Switzerland, Lictenstein (how do you spell it), France, Spain, England, Scotland, Czech...
71. Just got my first ever passport when we moved here in 2008
72. Born and raised in California, did not go to Disneyland until I
was 23! (Spent every summer playing softball)
73. Have a scar on the back of my left thigh from sliding into a base in practice on a horrible field
74. When I am tense, I clench my jaw and cannot relax it
75. I love sending cards to friends for no reason at all
76. I remember birthdays/anniversaries of everyone. But the last year I have been too overwhelmed to send anything!
77.I hate getting flowers cause it makes me sad when they die
78. My lettermans jacket was stolen from a party and my parents had to buy a second one! Thanks mom and dad!
79. I always dated dark haired tan guys. But I married a blonde!
80. My parents are still married after 38 years! My inlaws are still
married too!
81. I want to play the guitar but do not want to cut my nails to be better at it!
82. I have 2 friends who are my BESTEST and no one compares.
83. I love heels
84. I am always early and hate when people are late
85. I always drive cause I back seat drive when Lee is at the wheel
86. I have never had a speeding ticket until I moved to Germany- their speed traps have gotten me twice!
87. There are pictures all over my house
88. I am really particular about how chicken is cooked. If I even think there is any pink at all, then there is no way I will eat it.
89. I want to be Martha Stewart but I am NO Martha.
90. I have no idea how to use spices when cooking!
91. I love Starbucks Venti Cinnamin Dolce Lattes
92. I LOVED being pregnant both times
93. I could barely move after playing the Wii Sports game the first time
94. I love golfing but my boobs are too big to swing properly!
95. Cannot wait to get a boob reduction and then implants. I want the girls to be perky!
96. I love my husband’s laugh and the way he looks at me when we stand in the kitchen and cook together
97. I am a very emotional person (AMEN)
98. I want to get my Masters in Education
99. My sister is my true bestest friend
100. I love being a stay at home momma!

One boot out the door...

This post is going to be brutally honest. I do not want pity. I do not want your message about how I must be an awful wife. This blog is really for me and today I need to type this out...

Hubby is leaving soon. Really soon. This is our third deployment and he has never been that soldier that "checks out" before the deployment. I know there are some out there like that. I have heard friends say that their hubby is already "gone" weeks before the deployment. They are disconnected and arguing. I understand why. It has got to be the hardest thing in the world to leave your family. I know I could NEVER leave my children. Somedays I would love to go on a mini vacation and have a few days away- but to go away to a war zone without constant reliable communication with my kiddos- would kill me. Missing birthdays. Missing sports games. Missing a lost tooth or a first day of school.

Anyhow- Lee has never been that guy. Yet this deployment- I see it. I think as the deployments stack up, it was bound to happen. The last few days I have seen him being distant. It is hard to explain really. I notice he is not as involved in day to day. He is just sort of removed. It is a feeling I get. I notice he is a little more irritable. I have always hear that some guys feel like it is easier to leave when they have been arguing. Makes sense but doesn't make it easier...

So- here is the controversial part. I am ready for him to leave. My thought on it has been that the sooner he leaves- the sooner he returns. The sooner he leaves- the sooner I can start adjusting and get into a groove with the kiddos. I am just ready to start our new (temporary) normal. I am ready to be out of this waiting period. This stall that feels like torture. I am ready to be into this thing and out of this period... ugh.

I hate where we are in this timeframe. I am in this limbo of trying not to argue with him cause I know why we are both tense. Yet I am getting emotional and stressed out myself, which makes it hard not to blow up at him sometimes. I know what is coming. I have done this before. Yet this time- I will have a toddler on my hands to top it off! I know the long days ahead of me with very little "me" time. I know the stress of not hearing from him regularly and worrying about those days and every flight he goes up in the air. I will worry about everything for the next few months.

I will worry about him and still keep a smile on my face in front of the kids. I will keep the house clean, the families updated, the homework done, the food on the table, the bills paid, the cars maintained....

I am not trying to complain. Honestly. Just letting it out. I signed up for this. I love my husband and would support him through anything. Doesnt mean I am not going to struggle with it all...

Move it Monday 4

Felt I needed to do a link up today with Ashley for Moving it Monday. I have not been moving it much at all. Today I was able to get on the elliptical for 35 minutes. I covered 3.75 miles. So I was not speedy at all but it was something. We also have been doing a 35-40 minute walk each night as a family. It is not fast but it is walking and it is outside- which I think is what I am craving most.

With the deployment rapidly approaching- working out will just get more difficult! It is getting lighter earlier which is good for me. I like to workout in the morning. The problem with going to the gym here is that there is no childcare available. C is in German school from 830 to 1130... so I could totally head that way in the morning. I may do that once we are in our routine. But then Hais will be out of school for the summer and there goes my "routine."

One of the main reasons I am SO ready to head back to the states are the gyms! Heading back to North Carolina means also heading back to my favorite gym of all time- The HealthPlex!! I love that place. The equipment is awesome. The classes rock. And their childcare is amazing!

My diet is tough. I have been really aware about what is going in my mouth. I think that is 75% of the battle for me. I have noticed when I am mindless of my eating- I get into trouble. I am not losing weight at this point...but happily maintaining... I will take maintenance...

Friends

Not a lot of words today. Find myself having a pouting day. Missing home. Missing besties. Missing hugs from mom and dads breakfast skills. Missing my sister.

Curled up on one of my besties couches would be awesome right now. With a glass of wine possibly. Most likely, child chaos surrounding us. I love my girls and miss them tons.

So- here are some of the pins I have that make me miss them even more and value their "TRUE" friendship everyday!

Daily:(
Wish I could tell them more often that they are truly loved. I do not tell them enough. All my fun adventures around the world are fantastic but I still prefer chatting with them on their couches...

*Hehe- I am sure watching the CMA's is not helping my pouting moments!*

Love you Am, Ande and Holls...