However, I have been craving the release of a post. Finding time is tough
but totally doable. I fear this will be a lot of rambling due to so much being in my thoughts and not having a place (other than here) to release them. Bear with me.
I am struggling on multiple fronts. First and foremost, I am running on empty in many areas. Sleep. Relationships. Energy.
Sleep. Babies are still not sleeping longer than 3-4 hours at a time at night. Honestly, it is probably closer to 2-3 hours. Not sleeping seriously breaks you down. To your core. Even when they do sleep, I feel constantly on edge waiting for one to wake. We have tried using formula feelings for the last meal if the night. We do a routine. We have added oatmeal to bottles. We even did a few nights of cry it out. I think that the true issue is daytime routines... Or lack of. I believe it is sabotaging me. However, I feel so exhausted and overwhelmed I can't get it together to put together (let alone follow) a routine. It's like a vicious cycle. I am truly not sure how much longer I can manage.
Relationships. I am starving for relationships here. I have very few close friends here. I am feeling more withdrawn daily. I hover around home cause it is easier with two babies. Everyone thinks they are adorable but to actually hang out with me (and two babies) is another story. I actually told Lee that I go to Safeway several times a week to have interactions with grown ups. I feel alone. I am tired. Overwhelmed. Lonely. I feel like people all around me gave these awesome support systems and I am out there flailing alone.
Energy. I need to get moving. Once again, one of those crazy vicious cycles. I'm too tired to imagine doing anything but I know if I started... I'd feel better and have more energy. I could definitely use some positive energy coming this way...
I have also been struggling with reaching out to someone who used to be important. I feel like I miss them soooo much. I partly fear they will not reach back or even laugh at my attempt. Then there is that part of me that silently realizes that I shouldn't be reaching out because they ring deserve to be in my life... But man I miss her...
I am a doer. A list maker. I truly believe I need to turn my pity party into action. I will feel better as I cross things off my goal list... Have to start somewhere...
1- Blog more. Get the emotions out and stop bottling them up
2- Move my arse. I want to start swimming. And walking. Use my gym membership to swim and get two hours of kid freedom. Then walk the neighborhood. The boys love being in their stroller and I need to move! Maybe drive to different areas of the neighborhood and walk for changes of scenery.
3- Daily moments of quiet and devotion. Maybe make a deal with Lee... 5:30-6 am is my time. If babies are up, he handles them. If not, he sleeps. I think I need to set aside that time for me.
*positives* (I have lots of positives... Health, family, friends etc are implied- these are others!)
93 days til Christmas in NorCal
Carter passed his sight word test... Will post on its importance soon!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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