Sentimental Heart and Rock Climbing

Seriously, those two terms do not go together? You're crazy! Of course they do!

A blogger I love and read consistently talked this week about having a sentimental heart.

"I've always been mindful of my sentimental heart, but I'm learning to nurture that hyper awareness for how my babies are growing and changing into a good place. I want it to serve as an appreciation and motivation tool rather than a rut that makes me yearn for yesterday or focus too much on how quickly time is passing. Because I'm pretty sure that focusing too much on how quickly time is passing and mourning that it's gone only makes it worse. Besides, right now is pretty awesome. Forward, forward we go."

~Kelle Hampton "Enjoying the Small Things"

If you haven't heard of Kelle and her blog before- you have been living under a rock! Her words are like poetry and more than any other blogger, she provides me with a sense of clarity after some of her blog posts. (On a side note, go here to read one of my ALL TIME favorite posts she did about friendship!)

Anyhow. Back to sentimental heart.  The above excerpt from her post just spoke to me. I am that person that struggle with moving forward sometimes ALL the time. I long for what was. I crave the old friends. The old house. The last duty station. It is a weakness for sure. It keeps me in a funk that consumes me at points. I do not mean to but it happens.

I am trying to find a happy balance. A balance of diving into life now headfirst. While still appreciating the old. I am missing my beautiful little toddler and not soaking in every second with my beautiful 10 year old.  I know that eventually I will miss 10 year old Hais- when she is 18 and leaving home for college. I guess it is all in the perspective you take. I can miss everything about what once was but one day I will miss this moment as well. I will long for Colorado. I will long for our church. Our home of craziness with a toddler boy running loose.

Right now- I am missing a friendship. One that I thought would always be there. I am struggling with wanting to reconnect with the person but knowing what her husband did, I know my loyalty is to my husband. It is hard knowing the person is here and knows me better than most people do. It is hard knowing the memories we had and thought we would build in the future. I still love them.  I still long for our relationship. I have to hold those memories in my heart and hope that eventually everything will work out as they should.

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Rock climbing.

In three days!

This coming Monday- I leave for Moab Utah. I will be flying without children (first time in 10 years). I will spend 6 days with other cancer survivors. I have been eating well and swimming A TON.  I have lost 19 lbs in the last month and 9 inches total. It is not going to be a huge difference in my rock climbing abilities but it is better than it was! 

I am nervous. Nervous to be with new people. Nervous about my rock climbing abilities. Nervous about leaving my family for the first time for this long.

And honestly, nervous about not having my kids. They almost become a safety blanket! I can hide behind them and be distracted by them while traveling. I wont have that ability next week!

Wish me luck. I hope to not die in Utah. I hope this week brings me some peace and clarity.  This will be the first week I will be with other survivors-  without responsibilities or children to distract me. I am nervous about the emotions that I may deal with. The feelings that I have been suppressing for the last year will be surfacing next week and I wont have my normal support system to help me through it.

365 days of Cancer

A year. That is 365 days. 365 wakeups knowing I have cancer. 2 surgeries. 1 radioactive iodine treatment. 6 days in quarantine. 3 full body scans. 5 Ultrasounds. Too many blood draws. 7 pills a day.

 

Friendships tested. Friendships lost. Friendships strengthened.

 

New country. New state. New house. New car. 15 lbs gained.

 

A lot more stress than I would like to admit. Sleepless nights. 11 1/2 inch scar.

 

Self doubt. Pity Party after pity party.

 

Blessings.

Friends who have come to my rescue.

 Sometimes it included Bloody Mary's.

 Sometimes just hugs

 Sometimes a famous rock star cheering me on!

Wine tasting with the bestie definitely helps

 Knowing that I was still strong and capable helped...

Moments like these with my kiddos were reminders.

 

Lots and lots of blessings surrounded me. Sometimes it was hard to remember that I truly and lucky. Alive and blessed.

 

I have been nauseous for the last week thinking about today. Thinking about the fact that today marks a year of my life with cancer. The reality that I have no idea when I will be able to say I am cancer free. I can dwell on that easily. I am desperately trying not to.

 

How do you not think about it?? I work daily to concentrate on blessings.

Today I have decided that this year is done. Tomorrow starts a new year and I want it to be different. I cannot control the fact that I have cancer. I cannot change the timeline that is already decided by God for my cancer journey.

I can make this year be what I want it to be.

 

I am ready to make it my year. I am setting goals and making things happen. I have already started running again. I have been walking in the afternoon as well. My upper body workouts start tomorrow with hubby. I need to work on upper body strength for this trip...

 Whispering Oak Lodge Cedar Bend in Moab Utah

 

I am going to be going on a rock climbing/rappelling adventure the end of September. If you knew me, you may laugh. I am about 75 lbs overweight. I have lost all upper body strength- well not lost it, just have too much lower body to lift!

But in this year- I want adventure. I want to see what I can do and take advantage of this healthy (other than that silly cancer thing) body.

 

I am eating clean. I am working out. I am making the most of this body.

If I lose the 60lbs I know I can by the spring- I am Germany bound. I will spend a week with my BFF in the country I adore.

I will run a Ragnar in this next year.

I will finally run a half marathon.

I will start Crossfit.

 

Cancerous. Thyroidless. Scarred. Those are the things I cannot control.

 

This year is about controlling the things I can. 

Sunday Social...

When you were little what did you want to be when you grew up?

My mom tells me, a bus driver. Not sure why or how old I was but a kid can dream right?

 

 

What was your favorite way to kill time as a kid?

Play outside! We used to make up the coolest games. We had a huge side yard and I remember some weird version of kickball being played...

When did you get your first cell phone?

Not until I was in the Army- I think I was 22.  Cell phones were not a huge deal and affordable until then. Wow, I feel old. My dad had one of the first ones- you know, in the leather case that was as big as a phone book. You picked up the handset and dialed on it. Crazy funny to think of now.

What is your favorite magazine to read?

Absolute favorite- Runners World!! Followed by Self and HGTV Magazine

What is the one random object people would be surprised to find in your purse?

Little boy underwear. Seriously. Like  4 pairs! We just officially potty trained two weeks ago and he hasn't had any accidents in the last week but I still have a few pairs with me... Cars, Buzz Lightyear and some superhero I do not recognize.

Smile Moments

There are so many things lately that make me smile in my life. I think sometimes those Smile Moments go unnoticed due to the craziness of life and the stressors that really don't warrant my time or energy. So, I am going to post once a week about the Smile Moments from the week... Enjoy!

 Sitting on our patio with a cup of coffee and my Bible! I have this amazing Bible from my BFF and I feel like I just have not made the time I desire to just sit with it and read! Some quiet time and nice weather equaled perfect time!

 Getting a letter from my daughter at camp. It was my first letter from her! I love the fact that the address was smack in the middle of the envelope!

 These little Mini Drifters are adorable! Each of them is no bigger than a nickel in size.  Something about them just makes you want to play with them! Never mind the fact that they will probably be lost quicker than any toy Carter owns due to the adorable little size!

 Both kids started gymnastics/tumbling this week. I am taking both of them twice a week. We are taking Hais for something for her to do, to get a little more flexible and maybe help with her upper body strength. I love her but watching her reminds me of a baby giraffe. She is all legs and arms and so crazy uncoordinated.  She is getting better with each class though and I have no doubt she will rock it soon. Carter is doing it twice a week to give me a fighting chance. He needs to burn some energy! He loves running around and doing the different things. We started with once a week and after the first class, I realized he and I both would benefit from another class a week!

 Have you tried these??? Honestly, they are sinful! I am not a huge greek yogurt fan but add some chocolate, coconut and almonds and I am on board! I eat them as dessert!

 My first little inside "makeover." We took all the toys out of the loft and I put this amazing purple on the wall behind the shelves. I searched the house for some accent pieces to put up there. The décor part of it is still a work in progress but I feel so much better. The kids toys had taken over the entire loft and it drove me crazy. It is technically their area but the toys they play with can completely fit in their room. I think we tossed 8 bags of toys!

 I have been wanting to do this for awhile! I love the wreathes I was seeing on Pinterest. I finally decided to go for it. I found the K at Hobby Lobby. I knew I wanted a blueish color and went with a spray paint called Ocean that I found at Walmart on clearance. The burlap, flowers and wreath were also from Hobby Lobby. I am super happy with the outcome! I mean, throw initials or monograms on something and I am thrilled!

 Hais had a friend sleep over this weekend. Haley (yep, another Haley) was the one good friend she came out of Woodmen Hills Elementary with. We adore her. She is one of those kids that is welcome anywhere with us cause she is just so polite and sweet! We decided to run out to Hobby Lobby for some of the burlap for my wreath and after popped into a few other places- including Ruby Tuesday for a little meal. A girl night was just what we needed.

This just makes me laugh. We went onpost for something last week and Lee saw this mini crockpot. He just had to have it! He has brought it all week long. I throw some leftovers in from the night before and he plugs it in at work. He said the guys teased him about it but then they all want one cause it smells so good! I prefer this heating method to his usual one, leaving the food in the car (gross!).

 

That is just some of what made me smile this week. I encourage you all to look at things that make you smile. I am going to work on appreciating it weekly!

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Today will be busy! The boys are heading to see the movie Plane this morning at 10:30am. Hais and I are off to some softball tryouts. Hais is a natural at softball but due to her late start, she needs to extra work. The travel comp fastpitch team here in Colorado Springs is having their tryouts today.  She is going to tryout. I would love to spend our weekends at softball tournaments. That is how I grew up and it would be great to have my daughter play like that as well. We will see. I hope she  does well and most importantly, has fun!

Too close to home- Black Forest Fire

Well, I am in North Carolina. That is awesome. But I am watching my town burn.  There were at one point 6 fires in Colorado yesterday.  The one that effects us- the Black Forest Fire. We live in Falcon. At one point- the evacuation line was less than 1/2 mile from our house. This picture is from the spare bedroom window. Lee took it yesterday when he got home.

This is a friends picture from the other side of our neighborhood!

Today has been so stressful. I have wanted to cry several times and have a few times. Not being there is hard.  I have been texting constantly with friends and neighbors. Many have left their homes- either due to evacuation of due to the insane amount of smoke.  There are others who have their cars packed and are waiting for the evac orders to reach them.

Lee's unit is flying the water drop buckets over the fire. He had to go in today at 11 for his 8 hour shift!  I have been getting pictures all day from neighbors and friends of the Blackhawks flying over. There are only 2 flying over this fire and I am not sure which one Lee is piloting. But he IS piloting one of these. I am so insanely proud!

This picture is from Hailees softball coach and one of our GOOD friends who we adore. She is staying at a friends house because they have been evacuated from their amazing home in the Black Forest- about 7 miles from our house.

Another friend said they drove up to check on the house today and the neighbors house is gone next door and the trees at the bottom of the property are burning... and sadly it is heading towards their house.

I am heartbroken for them and wish more than anything I could hug her!

Here are some random pics of the fire.  As of the last news conference about 2 hours ago- about 8300 acres have burned. It is 0% contained! After 36 hours- ZERO percent contained!!

 

About 9500 people have been evacuated. About 100 homes are gone. The winds blew the fire SSE yesterday and then those horrible Colorado winds shifted today and now the fire is tracking NNW.  So it is going back over its route and destroying homes that may have made it through the first round of devastation.

Just awful.  Knowing that when we head back in a few weeks- it will be completely different. The Black Forest is gorgeous. And it is nearly gone.

Pray for this to get under control. Pray for safety. So far- no injuries reported.

Lots of livestock have been lost sadly.

The community is rallying though and shelters for not only people but livestock have been opened left and right.

The military is supporting completely. Pray for safety of the pilots flying these dangerous missions. Pray for the fire fighters on the ground dealing with this nightmare.

Pray for this to end!

1500 miles and both children survived...

 

 I consider that second part a major accomplishment. You try driving 1500 miles in three days with a 10 yr old and a 3 yr old.  By. Yourself.

We left Colorado about 5:45am on Tuesday June 4th. We stopped shortly into Kansas for a play break... We could not stop long but it was enough for some play time for kiddos and a coffee break for momma!

 

We got to Fort Riley Kansas right after 2pm.  We had plans to meet up with our friends the McBee's for lunch. We had a yummy lunch.

 

Then it was off to Fort Leavenworth Kansas... I won't write much about the drive cause it wasn't that exciting- except for one part...

 

Yep, there are not as many gas stations as you would think in Kansas. I coasted into one finally at 1 mile til empty. Not a proud mommy moment!

 

 

We stayed the first night with Mike, Bethany and Silas in Fort Leavenworth. I love that post. Gorgeous!

 

 

 

The kiddos got a lot of outdoor play time which was much needed!

 

 

 

 

Love this pic- Hais was off the ground pushing Carter!

 

 

Bethany pushing Hais

 

 

The first day ended like this... knocked out kiddos!

 

 

We were up and on our way by 8:30 the next morning. The second day took us through Kansas, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky and Tennessee!

 

We drove right past the Arch- Hais and I were giddy. Carter was asleep!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next was Kentucky!

 



 

 

 

 We pulled over at the first gas station I saw- had to empty trash out of the car before we pulled into the Lowman's for the night!

Look what we saw in the sky!

We watched it double in length... shorten back up... get fatter and then get longer again.

Hais was in tears... She did not want to stay in Kentucky!

 

 

 

 We stayed the night with Tim, Brietta, Sam and Keegan.  It was so much fun to see them!

The next morning- coffee date with Nicole and Anna!

Nicole and I always had coffee together in Germany. We both did fertility treatments while in Germany and got preggo at the same time with Anna and Carter. Then we both tried again and were both ultimately unsuccessful.

She is one of the most amazing women I know and someone who played a huge role in my Germany life!!

 Anna and Carter

 

 

 

 

 After leaving Clarksville Tennessee- we drove to the far side of Knoxville before stopping. We grabbed some gas and some Steak n Shake, which Hais has decided is her absolute favorite place to eat!

 

Next stop- North Carolina!

Finally arrived. 1556 miles total.

23 hrs in the car.

12 movies played

2 peed through diapers (eww)

7 states

4 Germany friends hugs

2 sleepovers

 

One milkshake today for a reward.

The kids were amazing on the trip.  Literally, NOT one breakdown. They were angels.

I rarely say that about my kids!

Now, 4 weeks of grandparents and rest for mommy.

I joined the gym here today.

Lee will fly out in three weeks and we will all drive back to Colorado together:)

Sometimes I feel crazy

Decided this summer will be full of road trips. Hais last softball game is June 4.  Bright and early June 5, we will be on the road. I keep feeling like maybe we are not supposed to do this trip. It is hard to explain but there seem to be 100 reasons not to go.

 

Reason 1- There is a fundraiser the beginning of June in California for a friend dealing with metastasized melanoma. I really really want to be there. The support I had when I was diagnosed was life saving. Realistically I know that whether I go or not will not change the night for her. I did donate a Scentsy basket to the silent auction... that makes me feel a little better. But gosh- I would love to hug her!

 

Reason 2- Softball All Stars. Not sure Hais would make it necessarily but her coach is coaching and I would love her to try out and possibly play!

 

Reason 3- Family camp. We received a letter today that we got into the Trail West Family Camp. I have heard wonderful things about it.  Unfortunately, it is June 23-29:( Boo!

 

I know the reasons I am going are really important. I need a break and I totally get that with my inlaws. Not only are they amazing with my kiddos but I honestly feel instantly relaxed the minute I walk into their house! I cannot explain it. I just could cry thinking about it.

 

I can study. Go for runs. Lay out by the pool with the kiddos. I know the kids will totally enjoy a whole month of pool time!!

Plus- my kids adore my inlaws and now that we are stateside again- I want them to be with them as much as possible.

 

Onto the crazy part of this whole thing... we are driving!!

When I say we... I mean, me and the 2 kids!

 

Luckily, one big benefit to the Army lifestyle- friends all over the country!!

We are staying with friends on the drive across and that will make it not only fun but also a little cheaper.

 

Day 1-

Falcon Colorado (where we live) to Fort Leavenworth Kansas.

8 1/2 hours of driving (really it will be closer to 10 with food and potty breaks)

 

We will be staying with one of my good friends, Bethany and her family.

 

I have never been through Kansas- not once. I have heard that there is NOTHING between us and Leavenworth. I am glad it is our first day of driving because it will still be fun at that point! lol

 

Day 2-

Ft Leavenworth Kansas to Clarksville Tennessee

Another 8 1/2 hour day of driving.

 

Now, we will be staying with Brietta and her family. I havent seen her since she left Germany 2 years ago almost?? She has added another adorable man to her family since we have seen one another.

We may stay more than one night. I have another friend who is moving to Ft Campbell and if she is there already- we will stay 2 nights so that we can meet up and spend a day.

 

 

Day 3-

Clarksville Tennessee to Rutherford College North Carolina

This day will be shorter. It should also be easier because we will have hopefully had a full day out of the car, resting in Tennessee.

It will be 6 1/2 hours to Gigi and Papas.

 



I am open for suggestions on anything that we need to stop and see along the way.

Lee will be flying out to NC around the 28th of June. Then he will drive back with us from NC. We will probably leave NC about July 3 or 4...

 

I feel insane at moments. I could hang out here this summer and spend days at the pool. We could go to an amazing family camp for free. There are a ton of people moving here this summer that I cannot wait to see... and I feel like I wil regret this big drive. Yet I also feel like I will regret not doing it!

 

Blah!