There is a lot on my mind. I feel like it is a perfect example of the similes we have discussed in my classroom recently. My thoughts are racing like freight trains through my mind. I can't keep them straight. I can't even identify them all. I have this insane need to put them in a list. Organize them by importance. Rank them by priority. There are four full days left. On that fifth day, I will be pulling into the front of Dothan Airport to drop off my husband for a year tour to Korea. I will be willingly giving up my battle buddy, partner in crime, and sidekick. I say willingly. Obviously, I would not prefer this to happen. However, I do know this is the best option for our family, right now.
When we originally made this decision- we weren't in the middle of a pandemic. I looked at it as an adventure. An opportunity to us to be able to finally visit an area of the world I have always wanted to see. We were picturing vacationing over there, eating Korean food, and touring the country. We are not ruling this out. There are still plans being made but now with the knowledge that we don't know 100% that it will be possible. In reality, him visiting us or us visiting him isn't a guarantee. So, in that moment, when I drop him off... we do not know the next time we will see him. I will do my best to be positive for our kids. We won't dwell on the negative. We will keep our fingers crossed and keep making plans.
I have a hard time not thinking of the negative. Those close to me, know this. I can dwell in dark places. I struggle to get past the sad. I think of things like this being the last 4 days that my entire family of 6 will love in our house full time. When Lee returns in a year- Hais will have moved out to college. When I say this to people, they tell me that she may move home. She may. She will be back for holidays. She may even come home between college and her future. However, she will never truly live here again. We will only be a stopping point. A respite before her next step or adventure. I will attend her graduation without her dad. I will move her into her dorm alone. I am lucky to know I won't truly do these things without people in my corner supporting us. However, it won't be the same.
I do not come here to have a pity party. I come because I am struggling. I am struggling with not dwelling. I find myself being consumed by the overwhelming thoughts. I cannot figure out if I am relaxing when I am sitting on the couch or if I am sitting on the couch because I am too sad/overwhelmed to move forward. I am wading through this trying to keep moving forward. I want to enjoy these last few days. I want to keep a positive attitude up for my kids.
This is just another year. We have experienced this many times before. This should be easier than any other. He isn't going to a war zone. He isn't being shot at. He is living in a house and has the comforts I would want him to have. He isn't living in a trailer with plywood walls. This just feels harder than ever. That sounds crazy when I say it. I have birthed babies while he has been deployed. I have been diagnosed with cancer while he has been deployed. I have lived overseas during deployment. He deployed when I had twin 11 month olds. This should be easy. I have a teenager to help me. I have a job with friends. The kids are all in school and the twins are 6, now.
The last year is playing a role in how I feel. We are living in a pandemic. I haven't seen my parents in over a year. I can't even go see them. My in-laws aren't able to just come swoop in and help like in the past. I am facing the last six months with Hais at home. I am facing her graduation. Her move to college. I am facing living at home with just the three boys. No Lee. No Hais. I know I will do fine. I know we will thrive. I wish I could just convince my brain. My stomach. My anxiety/depression.
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