I am in one of those funks. Those ones where you find yourself lying in bed in the middle of the night while you husband is sound asleep next to you, near tears. I laid here last night listening to him breathe and trying to keep my tears at bay. It is not necessarily a sad feeling as much as an overwhelmed feeling.
I will speak to how military wives feel but I know there are people other than military spouses who have the feelings I will describe but I can only speak to what I know and that is being a military wife. As a military wife I am always questioning if what we are choosing is right. Is it the best thing for my family, my mental health, my husbands career, our finances, my schooling and most importantly our kid. That is a huge one. I sit here in my new house that still does not feel like home or like it could be home. It could be due to the bed that is not mine, the couch that is not mine and even the dishes that are not mine. It is about trying to reorganize your entire life again. But this time in a foreign country. It is that yucky feeling in your gut about having to put your child in another new school and worrying about her finding friends to play with. It is looking out your window and seeing a community that does not feel like home.
Do not get me wrong. I am glad to be in Germany. I played a role in getting here. I am one of those military wives that complains about moving but when the three year mark comes starts feeling antsy and ready to move. I know eventually I will be sitting here and all my stuff will be here. I will slowly feel like my home is appearing again. I will see my daughter adjusting to her new school. I will start to feel more comfortable with the language and the customs. We will get into a routine and before I know it, these feelings will be in the past. Yet as I sit here, I still stare out the window and feel lonely. I guess I feel the distance. It is that knowledge that I am at least 13-14 hours flight from home. I am figuring out the 9 hr time difference to make the phone call home. I am realizing that this life we live has made me stronger and therefor more alone at times.
I guess it is that feeling that I wish I were down the street from Ande or Holly. I wish I could just sit on their couches and drink tea and catch up on life.
I complain but my life is good. I have my hubby and daughter. I have all my stuff coming (Nov 29th!!!) to my house that costs me nothing and utilities that cost me nothing. My husband has a wonderful job with a guarenteed paycheck every month no matter how much or little he works. My checking account is comfortable and all our bills are paid. My family and friends are amazing. I have the best sister ever. Even my inlaws are awesome- how many people can say that right? Haha! Life is good and I need to stop complaining. The only way it would be better is to have all those that I love here experiencing this amazing journey with me! Come visit!!!
Thanks for listening. Sorry for rambling. I am sure I will be up again tonight thinking these same thoughts but it feels good for now to have some off my back--
1 comment:
In some ways I can say I know how you feel. When we moved from here to Cali. I hated, I was wanting to come back so bad. Then when it came time to leave Cali. and move back here I didn't want to go for anything. You know how it works, once you get settled in and into a routine and meet some new people you will love it there! At least you are getting out and seeing the sights. I still wish we lived closer though, it's about time we get stationed at least in the same state for craps sake. Germany looks amazing and I really need to come see you, it would be so much fun. Love you B, hang in there and give it a little time.
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