A lonely feeling...

I wrote this last week but am finally able to post it... Which is hilarious when I think of the next post I need to do...

I like to be honest. Sometimes brutally. Sometimes sharing more than I should.

Then- other times... I completely shutdown.

I am not sure why- but sometimes I feel as though the world is against me.

Not in a paranoid freakout sort of way or anything:)

In these moments... I retreat.

I want to hole up in my room and ignore the world.

Sadly- this is not usually an option.

I have two kiddos and life to attend to.

Usually those are the times I run to this blog.

Here, I can be honest and open.

Lately I have regretted that family and friends know about it.

I do not write about a lot of controversial topics or anything. And I do not smack talk crazy family members.

But I am honest. I am truthful.

I share what is bothering me.

Lately, it has come back to haunt me.

I have been super open about my fertility struggles.

The first time (trying for lil man) was easier. We were so hopeful and excited.

We did not understand the process- so we were kind of clueless about what to expect.

This time is different.

I know the heartache that comes with 9 out of 10 visits. I know the process will take months.

I know that I will be disappointed more than surprised.

I also know- that the end result is worth it all.

Yet- it doesn't truly make the process any easier.

Know what else doesn't make it any easier?

Being surrounded by preggos.

If you read my blog- you will see that is my biggest complaint.

A TON of my friends are preggo.

And not just my "friends" but my FRIENDS. The ones I love being around friends.

What sucks is that I could not be happier.

But what also sucks- is the crappy feeling I get for being sad too. I feel awful.

I feel awful for being upset that they are preggo.

What a crappy friend I must be right?? How can I not be anything but thrilled? Isn't a good friend supposed to be wanting to celebrate?

I do want to celebrate. But I also want to cry. I also want to shout "Its not fair" from the rooftops.

A crappy friend wants to cry. A crappy friend wants to shout "Its not fair."

Now I have hurt friends feelings. I have alienated some.

They do not understand that the shout of "Its not fair" has nothing to do with them.

The wanting to cry- has nothing to do with them.

I want to shout because it is not fair that my body does not work.

I want to cry because I will drive another 75 miles round trip this week (second trip in 5 days) to be told in less than 5 minutes that it has not worked yet again... and come back in 4 more days.

I feel like I am having to apologize. I am not sure what is worse.

Feeling totally inadequate as a woman- to not be able to have a baby naturally; or to have to apologize for being devastated by it.

I love my friends. I love the excitement of their lives right now.

I also know that sometimes- I have to have a pity party for myself. I have to be angry. I have to be jealous. I also know that I will be bitter when I listen to their complaints.

But at the end of the day- I celebrate with them. I throw them baby showers. I get excited to hold their babies. I celebrate. For them.