I am up and down lately. All day long I feel mostly ok. I am sure I appear ok. I feel like I put on that front at the beginning and now I have to stick to it cause it would seem weird to go backwards right?
I know I am not really alone in this. They say 1 in 6 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Yet when you are in it- it is lonely. No one else can understand it. Sure- my husband wanted this baby and he is surely grieving but it is different when that baby was in your body. And now it is not. It is the most hollow feeling in the world. I keep telling myself that it can be worse. That those that lose babies further along or have stillborns or have children die before them have it even worse than me. That somehow I am lucky.
It almost feels like I have not realized I am no longer pregnant. I still feel myself lay my hand on my stomach like I am feeling that growing bump. Or get that panic feeling for a split second when I lay on my belly. Or when I feel tired- blame it on the pregnancy. I have to remind myself that I am no longer pregnant. I will not be the momma to three. Carter will not be a big brother.
It. Is. Heartwrenching.
I know the person I want to talk to about it. My husband. But how do I complain to him when he is not only grieving but grieving in a war zone? I need his head completely in his flights. I need him to be ok. And if he knows how I am feeling- he will not be ok. I need him ok. So- the person that would be able to console me the best- is not available.
It is a silent grief friends. It is one that I cannot describe. I cannot even comprehend myself. It is the worst feeling I have EVER had. I am struggling to find my way through this.
1 comment:
i know sweetie it's hard i was never able to figure out how to talk about mine especially when everyone began to pretend it never happen then my sister in laws both gave birth withing 2 weeks before and after my lose. it is hard. all I can say is hugs and you are in my thoughts always. sending my support.xoxo
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