~I wrote this to my mother yesterday... I wanted to put it on here because I really want to keep it somewhere that I can access. For a reminder for myself... on those days I struggle with this loss and that I struggle for those steps forward...~
You asked me earlier why I am pushing myself running right now. I have been thinking about that. Now that I am not managing kiddos (they are in bed) I wanted to write you back.
There is this amazing woman in our community who has been published in Runners World Magazine (my favorite!) and she posted a copy of her latest article on our local page here for Ansbach. "I ran even though it hurt to step and to breathe. I ran because I could process and deal with the loss of control of my life..." She lost her husband in Iraq last year. Obviously- her loss is not to be compared to mine. But honestly momma- when I am running- I do not have to think. I get lost in the music. And when I do think- I can think without worrying about my kids seeing me cry or being upset.
With every step- I feel a little stronger and a little closer to myself. Mom- I am ok. But I am struggling to process this. Not just the loss of this baby but the fact that our family is done growing. And while I love my family and am completely grateful for it- I will always feel like it is not complete. Not necessarily cause of this baby but cause of no more babies. I will be fine and wont dwell on it but it does hurt.
I sometimes feel like I am in a daze. Like this cannot possibly be my life. I catch myself still worrying about picking up something too heavy or C kicking at me when changing his diaper (playing around)... and then have to remind myself that it doesnt matter. Just a lot to process and it is hard to do that when I have two amazing kiddos with me all day. But at night- when I am alone and it is quiet- it is easier to process while on my elliptical:) Running makes sense for me. Plus- nothing bad can come of it... only good! The body I earn from now on- is mine! Mine forever! lol...
Just looking at handling this stress and sadness with time pounding pavement- instead of snacking! lol
I love you mom. I promise I am ok. Just wading my way through this mess...but I will get through it!
~And the response from my momma... I was pulled over waiting for a friend to come to the car when I was reading this on my phone and before I knew it- tears were rolling down my face. At 32- my momma can still calm every fear in my body... and say just the right words...~
Hey #1 Daughter: what a beautiful note. I feel it very deeply and am running with you, really, I am. I love you so much Brenna, when you hurt, I hurt. I know you will be ok, just wish there was a flash forward for you, but I also know that this is life and part of our process in getting thru it--all. You will, I know that, just want you to remember to breathe and take time for you cuz without you, your family would never make it. You are their anchor and I am so proud of you. Love Mom
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