MAD

Now that things are scheduled (surgery will be December 18th)... I am not afraid anymore. Now, I am mad. Pissed actually.  I have been cheated out of the last ten years. I have struggled to lose weight. I have dieted, worked out, been told (by friends/families/doctors) to get my weight/diet under control, struggled with fertility, been tired, irritable...

I now know that most of it wasn't my fault at all! I had not only an under active thyroid- but a cancerous one.

Now- I am mad. I am mad. I am mad. Not only do I have to worry about cancer for the rest of my life but I get to do it with a 7-8 inch scar in the shape of a smiley face across my neck. It is right there- dead center. I won't be able to hide it. I won't be able to act like nothing happened. I will have to wear scarves for awhile just to not have people stare.

I get to be a cancer survivor. While I am grateful for that second word... I am not grateful for the first. Everyone thinks that this is the "good" cancer. Sort of ironic to me. To combine those two words. While it is totally survivable- it is awful. I will forever struggle with finding the right dose of medications to balance what my thyroid should be doing. I will be scanned and blood tested several times a year. I will have to do physical therapy most likely to regain strength in my arms etc. Just overwhelmed.

I am tired. I am sick. I had to take Hais to school today cause Lee had the car.  That meant a three mile round trip bike ride in 30 degrees this morning. I had to ride Lee's bike cause my tire is flat. His bike it too big, and the handlebars are off for me. Plus pulling a 32 lb kiddo at 6500 elevation is rough- especially for a momma who has not been super active in the last few months. Then this afternoon- C and I walked to get her- so another three miles!

Enough complaining. I am tired and sick. At least we have reinforcements coming soon. Pat and Ed (inlaws) will be here this weekend with our van. TWO cars again! YAY! Ed will stay a week and Pat for a few weeks. My mother is flying in Dec 16-26 to help out while I have surgery.  She is going to stay at the hospital with me...

BTW- our household goods arrive in two days. They were not slotted to be here until Jan 9! This will make time go fast- having something to do for the next few weeks- unpacking 12 crates (12,460 lbs) of house stuff and figuring out where the heck to put it! lol