Judged

I am SO tired of being judged. I feel like lately- everyone gets an opinion on my life.

For example-

-I am not done trying for kids. Will I have more? Not sure. We have been using fertility treatments for years, that is how we got Carter. That is what led to the last pregnancy. We cannot justify spending anymore on it. So now, my hope is that the removal of the cancer and the non functioning thyroid will regulate me. There are a lot of "if's" to this equation. Yet I want to keep trying. I feel like when I have told some people- they raise their eyebrows and tell me that I seem overwhelmed with the two I have. Seriously?? You're right. I am TOTALLY overwhelmed. Are my kiddos a part of that? Yes.  I have been through a lot this last year. I had a husband deploy. A miscarriage. A cancer diagnosis. Going onto my second surgery. Radiation. A PCS in a month from overseas. I am also trying to find the right dosage to replace normal thyroid function. Thyroid controls your emotions, moods etc... Of course I am overwhelmed!  Do I think that I am not able to handle one more kiddo? No.

-How I clean my house. What time I go to bed. What jobs I want to apply to. Whether I should go back to school.

Seems like everyone has an opinion lately. I have had a lot of people brought into our daily function as a family since this diagnosis. We totally welcome the help. Apparently, with the help comes their opinions. I do not think that anyone realizes that I have not had my house to myself since mid August!! Nearly four months! 

I am a self sufficient person.  I enjoy my quiet time.  I have lost that! I like to have the house to myself for a little bit each day. I have lost that. Do not get me wrong- I adore my family. Yet, I long for the days when my husband went to work, Hais went to school and C went to daycare. I had my time. To play my music. To watch television. To clean in peace! Those days are gone. I miss them.

I really do not want to seem ungrateful. I am not. I feel blessed that we have had a steady stream of people who love us who are able to come in and help out. It has made it so much easier on the days when I am struggling and need a break. 

I guess my complaint in more about life right now.  I want my old life back. There is nothing like big change to make you realize what is really happening in life. Having people around constantly and needing that help just makes you realize that parts of you are gone. I am longing for 2012 to end. Desperate for it to end. It has sucked.

2013 is my year. I will not only kick Cancers Ass (sorry for the language) but I will refind myself. This is it people... This is it!