Has anyone else caught themselves half-assing something... or everything in life? I am in this place that I am realizing that I am not fully committed to anything right now... I have a lot on my plate. I seem to always add things to it- for this false sense of "accomplishing things." Yet- not only am I not fulfilled... I am overwhelmed with it all! I am stretched so thin that I do not have enough energy to approach anything fully. This just makes me feel worse!
I have loaded my plate... I am the Family Readiness Group Leader for my husbands company. It is a job that has ebbs and flows. There are not a lot of busy days but it is one that requires you to be ready for anything. I have to be ready to answer emails, address concerns, help someone out...
I am the manager for Hais softball team. This is another position that does not require a huge time commitment- but basically on call. I have to be at practices and games- which I would be anyways:)
I think both of those positions are draining in the way of time commitment. They are in energy. I think that when I was thrown into this whirlwind of the last 7 months- energy was an issue in the beginning. Even with the medicine starting to pick up and replace that energy- I have continued to excuse myself as though it was out of my control. Truth is, it isn't. It is not the lack of a thyroid. It is not my medication dose being off. It may be a little bit due to stress. It may be the fact that life has been thrown out of whack. Yet- I know that my dosage is right. I know that if anything I am hyper right now TSH wise. So- there is no excuse for lack of energy.
My lack of energy- is me. I am lazy not tired.That is a big fact. I AM LAZY. NOT TIRED. I am feeling a lack of energy cause I am sitting on the couch everyday. I am eating too much of the wrong things and not moving enough. I am doing what needs to get done to satisfy all my commitments but not committing to myself. I will never be satisfied until I fix that. I don;t feel like a good mom. A good wife. A good FRG leader. A good team manager. A good friend. The list goes on. I am tired of not making myself a priority. I am tired of feeling bad about myself. I am tired.
I am not sure how I will do this. When I will fully commit. Would love to say I will start tomorrow. I would love to feel like I know exactly what I will do. I don't. But I think this is the first step. The first step is knowing that I am done. Done being this version of me. This is not the version of me that is good for anyone. I deserve better. Those in my life deserve better.
I want a few key things. To feel happy in my own skin. To feel like I am done sitting on the sidelines. To be a good example for my kids. I want my daughter to feel proud of me. Honestly, eventually- she will have an issue with my weight. I do not want her to be embarrassed of me. At 10 she doesn't care- but eventually she will.
A few of my real goals... Some of them are superficial (gotta love those ones) and some of them are super-important...
-I want to be here with my kiddos for a long time and build memories. This last 7 months have shown me that life is short. If I am not here for as long as I hope to be for some reason- I want my kiddos to have a plethora of memories. Not of mommy sitting on the sideline eating candy and drinking a soda:) I want them to remember me playing on the swings. I want to play ball with them. Run around at the park. I want those memories for my kids.
-I will stop belittling myself. I will stop the negative internal conversation I have. I will stop doubting myself. While my journey will not be easy or fast- it is possible. I cannot commit to 8 hrs in the gym like Biggest Loser contestants. I will face a few more challenges thanks to cancer and medication issues. Yet- it can be done. I will see successes. But I won't be so tough on myself when I see failures. They are bound to happen. I will give myself some Grace.
-I want awesomely cute workout clothes! I walked through Dicks Sporting Goods two weekends ago and there are SO many cute running clothes. Even the XXL is tight. The material and fit of running clothes are not flattering to big girls. I want to be able to just walk in and pick out fun colors and cute running skirts. I WILL get cute workout clothes and honestly- you will suffer through a detailed post of them the first time I wear them! he he
-I want to be normal. I want to sit down in a booth or a chair without feeling like I am squished. I sat in the seat at the Denver Coliseum this weekend next to my BFF hubby. I felt like I was invading his personal space and it was awkward.
-I want to crave healthy food. I hear that eventually that happens. lol
-I want to not only start running again but commit to myself that I will give myself that free time and alone time. I will give myself the time to myself because I do not do that. I read a few blogs of moms that get a lot of crud from people for committing to themselves. They go straight from work to the gym for 2 hours a night and then home to their kids. Some think that is wrong. I get that it can seem weird but honestly- I do not think that we give ourselves enough effort. We put so much effort and time into our kids, hubby's, responsibilities... we forget about ourselves. How are we the best to everyone else when we are cheating ourselves. I need that time. I need that hr of taking a run by myself. I do. I promise that to myself.
-I will challenge myself. I will stop expecting less of myself. I will start doing things that I think I cannot do. I will stop putting dreams and goals on the sidelines... I will start pursuing them.
So- I have a friend who has been a part of my life for about a decade... WOW! You know those types of friends- the ones that will tell you the things you do not want to hear. The things you are mad at hearing. The things- you NEED to hear. The kind of love between us is rare. We have had bumps in the road- especially lately. We always rise above though and we will again.
In the last few years- I have struggled. I have struggled with weight, fertility, stress, depression etc... She has always been able to get to my level and tell me the facts. I love that. We had some issues lately that have tested our friendship- she wrote me this message a few weeks ago. I hadn't responded til tonight because I just had to let it all soak in. Here is what she wrote...
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Brenna, I worry about you. I've always wanted to encourage you in your endeavors because I want you to find your happy. But it hasn't happened yet. Well, it happens in short stints and then you are on the look again. You try new things, load up your plate, stop doing things and switch to something else. You ARE a great Mom...but it seems like unless you're doing, doing, doing then you're not satisfied with yourself. I'm worried that if you start school again you'll continue to neglect yourself because then you'll have something else you have to do. What about you? What about you just being you? What about YOU just BEING you? Just be...take a rest...take a break...take it EASY.
You have been through a lot physically and emotionally in the last 4 years. Fertility treatment, pregnancy, fertility treatment, miscarriage, cancer...A LOT. The body wears down when it's been pushed so much. You need a rest and that includes giving yourself some down time and I don't mean a nap...real down time. Easy time. But what about having two kids and a husband in the military is easy? It's not at all...and that's why I worry.
It shouldn't be about what other people think about you, it's all about what YOU think of you. I wish you'd focus on that for a while. Because what is it if the things you do are for other people's benefit? If you do things so other people will give you approval? If you don't mean it, it's meaningless. What is it that you really want?
I want you to say that you're worth just letting yourself BE. You're worth focusing on running, getting on the elliptical (which by the way **** has been doing at the gym and the visual of that makes me laugh) or doing something that you know you need to do, want to do, but don't make yourself do. Do it, babe. And you don't need all the other stuff to block your time with yourself. I want you to feel good about yourself...to like your reflection again.
Everyone is encouraging you to do this or that and I'm saying stop. Just stop and listen to what you really need to take care of and find your happy. I promise it's inside you...it's there but you gotta take the time to find it. And I'll always be here to help. I'll always be here to listen and encourage. Because in the end, *I* know you're worth it...even if you don't know it yet.
A friend of mine said, "All you can change is yourself, and sometimes that changes everything." I believe it. The changes I've made in myself are because I want to be a better person, a better wife, and now a better momma. I've had some pretty shitty hardships in life, but once I stopped letting them define me, I started living.
I want you to be happy, B, and not the temporary-instant-gratification happy. Like REALLY happy...happy deep down. I've seen glimpses of it.
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If that doesn't set you straight- what can. The true brutal honesty of a friend is where it is at. I will start this. I have no idea how. I have to admit it is overwhelming to think about. I feel like it is a little impossible at moments. I am almost 34. I am tired of wasting time.
1 comment:
Wow....when I was reading this I kept thinking "this sounds like me. this IS me"
I'm dealing with some of the same issues.
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