Finding Beauty in the Ups & Downs: Cheated of time

There are moments that I feel cheated. Cheated of time. Cheated of peace of mind. Cheated of a future. Cheated of now.

I am in limbo. Waiting on the dr decisions to what we do next. My ultrasound showed a questionable lymph node. My thyroglobulin level (cancer level) is shown to be at 2.3 and it should be 0. It is my first test- so it is not totally a good judgement to go off of. There is nothing to compare it to. Really, it could be lower than ever and still falling since the last surgery.

I know that I will be fine. It just stinks. I feel like I am emotionally checked out at moments. I am in the room but not "there." I cuddle and love on my kiddos almost out of guilt at moments cause I feel like I am missing things even though I am there everyday. I do not work. I am home all day with Carter. I drop Hais off and pick her up from school. I am coaching her softball team. I am ALWAYS there with my kiddos. At night, I disappear. I need some alone time. Rationally, I know I am an active part of their lives. More than anyone else! But I feel a guilt that I am not. It is so hard to explain. Actually, typing this paragraph out, I feel almost silly saying that I feel guilty not being there.

I have always liked some alone time. I used to go to the coffee shops in Germany for hours once a week. I have always gone to my room at night for a few hours of down time. I would probably watch too much television and be lazy with or without cancer. Honestly, 4 yrs with only 9 channels on tv, too much tv when we moved back was inevitable! lol

Ok- pity party over. Thanks for being my rational people and letting me vent until I realized I am being too hard on myself! I am here. 24 hrs a day with my kids. Not much has changed in the way I spend my time with my kiddos! Whoa! Feel better.

So- we joined a gym.

Not just any gym- an amazing Gym. A place that I can see myself transforming in.

It is the Lifetime Fitness.

There are 8 indoor tennis courts. A gigantic rock climbing wall. An entire studio designed for martial arts training. A spa. Whirlpools. Three indoor pools. A gigantic outdoor pool with slides (multiple huge ones) and a poolside cafe for summertime.

There are 110 classes a month. Hot yoga.

All the childcare is covered.

The childcare section is as big as the YMCA we looked at!

Tomorrow we go in for our health evals. They do the full evaluation to come up with a plan for you and even draw blood etc. Lee and I are both doing it. He already went to the gym today but I wanted to wait til tomorrow so that we have both kiddos and they can go into care together- will make it easier for Carter. I did not want him to have a bad first experience!

The nice thing is too- we get these Lifetime Bucks. Each one equals a $1. We can cash them in for various things. For instance, we signed Hais up for Private Swim lessons. She can swim but needs to learn strokes. I am also going to use some points towards a Personal Trainer.