Seriously, those two terms do not go together? You're crazy! Of course they do!
A blogger I love and read consistently talked this week about having a sentimental heart.
"I've always been mindful of my sentimental heart, but I'm learning to nurture that hyper awareness for how my babies are growing and changing into a good place. I want it to serve as an appreciation and motivation tool rather than a rut that makes me yearn for yesterday or focus too much on how quickly time is passing. Because I'm pretty sure that focusing too much on how quickly time is passing and mourning that it's gone only makes it worse. Besides, right now is pretty awesome. Forward, forward we go."
If you haven't heard of Kelle and her blog before- you have been living under a rock! Her words are like poetry and more than any other blogger, she provides me with a sense of clarity after some of her blog posts. (On a side note, go here to read one of my ALL TIME favorite posts she did about friendship!)
Anyhow. Back to sentimental heart. The above excerpt from her post just spoke to me. I am that person that struggle with moving forward
I am trying to find a happy balance. A balance of diving into life now headfirst. While still appreciating the old. I am missing my beautiful little toddler and not soaking in every second with my beautiful 10 year old. I know that eventually I will miss 10 year old Hais- when she is 18 and leaving home for college. I guess it is all in the perspective you take. I can miss everything about what once was but one day I will miss this moment as well. I will long for Colorado. I will long for our church. Our home of craziness with a toddler boy running loose.
Right now- I am missing a friendship. One that I thought would always be there. I am struggling with wanting to reconnect with the person but knowing what her husband did, I know my loyalty is to my husband. It is hard knowing the person is here and knows me better than most people do. It is hard knowing the memories we had and thought we would build in the future. I still love them. I still long for our relationship. I have to hold those memories in my heart and hope that eventually everything will work out as they should.
_______________________________________________________
Rock climbing.
In three days!
This coming Monday- I leave for Moab Utah. I will be flying without children (first time in 10 years). I will spend 6 days with other cancer survivors. I have been eating well and swimming A TON. I have lost 19 lbs in the last month and 9 inches total. It is not going to be a huge difference in my rock climbing abilities but it is better than it was!
I am nervous. Nervous to be with new people. Nervous about my rock climbing abilities. Nervous about leaving my family for the first time for this long.
And honestly, nervous about not having my kids. They almost become a safety blanket! I can hide behind them and be distracted by them while traveling. I wont have that ability next week!
Wish me luck. I hope to not die in Utah. I hope this week brings me some peace and clarity. This will be the first week I will be with other survivors- without responsibilities or children to distract me. I am nervous about the emotions that I may deal with. The feelings that I have been suppressing for the last year will be surfacing next week and I wont have my normal support system to help me through it.
No comments:
Post a Comment