Today I had a conversation with the person I would consider my BFF here in Colorado. She is the person who I strive to be like- in her relationship with her husband, her boys, God, and her outlook on life in general. We have become SUPER close this last few months and it has turned into a beautiful friendship.
The thing is- we did not meet here. We met in 2008, in Germany. We were in the same company there- which means we attended the same functions. We did not hang out a lot personally. We did not talk outside of functions. We hung out with different groups of friends. Today she was honest with me. Brutally. Nonetheless, honest. She told me how she didn't dislike me but she did not like me. Hard to explain. She thought I was a self involved person. I only contacted her when I needed things.
That was a WOW moment. I remember contacting her when I needed someone to pray for me. I remember having my miscarriage while Lee was deployed. I messaged her on FB. She had also had a miscarriage a few months prior and she was really open about it. I knew she would help me. She did. More than she will ever know. I realize that I was not a friend to her. I can see how she thinks I only came to her when I needed something. Hearing this stuff now- hurts my heart. I did not take the time to get to know Jenna in Germany. I know I was not self involved. If anything I feel like I was lost. I was surviving. I did everything to come off as put together and accomplished all that was expected of me but I was falling apart.
She is not the first person to tell me something similar to this. To hear that you were viewed that way is difficult. I know I was not in a good place. I look back now and realize just how unstable I was. I really blame my thyroid. Since having my thyroid out- I am a completely different person. No more depression. No more mood swings. No more exhaustion. No more being that person who comes off self involved.
Have you ever had someone you care about tell you something about yourself that hurts?It comes from their heart and from a place of love but hurts nonetheless.2014 is full of promise for me. I have many goals (not resolutions!) and I know I can accomplish them all. I am motivated by the fact that I look back at 2013 and realize all the positive changes already.I am not the person Jenna knew in Germany. I am not the person that caused the distance between me and someone else I really care for.
What are some hard realities about yourself that you have had to face??
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