Loss

It has been a little bit since I have blogged. For the last week or so- it was due to lifes craziness. Then for a few days I had something I wanted to blog about and was trying to brainstorm the best way to do it. It was BIG news and therefore- needed a BIG announcement. We were preggo.

Yep, were. I announced on FB finally. We were 11 weeks. Felt safe. Our amazing announcement pics were done. So I announced. Two days later- I went to my appt and was complaining about all the adult responsibilities that were to be done that day and how I just wanted to soak up all the sunshine that was out here in Germany. Then- at 9:35am on Friday April 27... my life was flipped upside down. In his thick German accent, my Dr announced that there was no heart activity.

And.Just.Like.That. Our family is complete. It will just be 4 of us. Our dream of 5... is no longer going to be a reality. We spent a year doing fertility treatments for this baby. A year of daily shots in my stomach and hour (each way) car rides once a week for me. And 4 devastating negative rounds. And finally- round 5- gave us that BFP we were hoping for.

We had decided that if we were not preggo by deployment- we were done. So we had just made it. 9 weeks before the deployment- we were preggo. And two weeks in- we weren't. 

I love Kelle Hampton from Enjoying the Small Things. I have been reading her blog for a long time and just finished her book. She talks about her "net." I was so envious. I have great friends but being so far from home- it is hard sometimes. Friday- showed me I was SOO wrong about some things.

My "net" was in full force. I had friends calling Afghanistan to get there hubbies to go get mine so he could call me. I had friends drop everything and spend the day with me at the hospital- even though they are in their last week with their husbands. Some got me groceries. Some called my family in the states since I couldn't. There were people rushing to watch kiddos and take care of animals. I had countless emails/texts etc asking what they could do for me. Just a testament to my military community. We band together at the worst of times to get one another through tragedies.

My husband also had his net downrange. Guys checking on him. Taking him off the flight schedule. Poor guy was out there prepping his helicopter for a flight and got the message to call me asap. He called as I was meeting with anethesia before the D&C.

The D&C went fine. I felt ok after it all. I actually got up the next day and mowed the lawn etc. I had girlfriends who insisted on coming over and having brunch while the kiddos played outside. A friend came and baked all afternoon cause I did not know what I wanted- but I wanted crap! Just plain crap food! lol

I feel ok. The dr said that most likely it was something with the baby since it was a missed miscarraige.  I am devastated. I do not have the luxury of dwelling on it though. I have two kiddos (including a very intuitive 9 year old) who are relying on me.  But at night- when it is just me- I have my moments where life is suffocating and breaths are hard to find. We had family pictures done a month ago and I am in the process of placing the order now that the proofs are ready. I am excited. They look fantastic. I love SOOO many of them.  Then tonight- I realized- there were 5 of us in that photo. I was wearing a cute maternity shirt. We did our announcement photos that day.  As much as I love those pictures I am not sure I can hang the family ones on my wall... knowing that our hopes of growing our family were in that picture.

There are silver linings... (I know that sounds awful... clearly I would never choose this but I have to find some positive in the hand I have been dealt)...
1)Can have my thyroid out now!!! Woohoo since the Dr wanted it out and was upset I was preggo!
2)Back on WW and back to running! I have been missing running but haven't been doing it since I stopped for too long before getting preggo!
3)Can do home in Nov and run the CIM again! Think I am attempting the second two legs- so basically- a half! My two girl friends are going to run the same legs so someone is running with me!
4) We can do family pics again and I will be smoking hot! When Lee gets home- my goal is to be 40 lbs DOWN!

This is long. If you made it all the way through- thank you! It was a heavy topic and one that makes me feel better to be off my chest....