One boot out the door...

This post is going to be brutally honest. I do not want pity. I do not want your message about how I must be an awful wife. This blog is really for me and today I need to type this out...

Hubby is leaving soon. Really soon. This is our third deployment and he has never been that soldier that "checks out" before the deployment. I know there are some out there like that. I have heard friends say that their hubby is already "gone" weeks before the deployment. They are disconnected and arguing. I understand why. It has got to be the hardest thing in the world to leave your family. I know I could NEVER leave my children. Somedays I would love to go on a mini vacation and have a few days away- but to go away to a war zone without constant reliable communication with my kiddos- would kill me. Missing birthdays. Missing sports games. Missing a lost tooth or a first day of school.

Anyhow- Lee has never been that guy. Yet this deployment- I see it. I think as the deployments stack up, it was bound to happen. The last few days I have seen him being distant. It is hard to explain really. I notice he is not as involved in day to day. He is just sort of removed. It is a feeling I get. I notice he is a little more irritable. I have always hear that some guys feel like it is easier to leave when they have been arguing. Makes sense but doesn't make it easier...

So- here is the controversial part. I am ready for him to leave. My thought on it has been that the sooner he leaves- the sooner he returns. The sooner he leaves- the sooner I can start adjusting and get into a groove with the kiddos. I am just ready to start our new (temporary) normal. I am ready to be out of this waiting period. This stall that feels like torture. I am ready to be into this thing and out of this period... ugh.

I hate where we are in this timeframe. I am in this limbo of trying not to argue with him cause I know why we are both tense. Yet I am getting emotional and stressed out myself, which makes it hard not to blow up at him sometimes. I know what is coming. I have done this before. Yet this time- I will have a toddler on my hands to top it off! I know the long days ahead of me with very little "me" time. I know the stress of not hearing from him regularly and worrying about those days and every flight he goes up in the air. I will worry about everything for the next few months.

I will worry about him and still keep a smile on my face in front of the kids. I will keep the house clean, the families updated, the homework done, the food on the table, the bills paid, the cars maintained....

I am not trying to complain. Honestly. Just letting it out. I signed up for this. I love my husband and would support him through anything. Doesnt mean I am not going to struggle with it all...