Depressing Post- sorry!

I apologize at the start of this blog post. It will be ugly. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Bitter. I have been holding in my grief alot for what I am dealing with. I go through most days with silent tears. With my depression wrapped up in the same blanket I am hiding in on the couch. I go through the motions. I make breakfast for kiddos. I play with Carter. I do a load of laundry or clean up the kitchen. I do it all with an internal dialogue that includes "why me" and "life sucks."  I smile. I push through most of the sadness when others are around.

I am not sure why I do this. Somehow I feel like I am expected to be happy that this cancer will not kill me. That I will see kiddos grow up. I will be at graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren. I am grateful for all of that. Yet, it doesnt change life now. I am still dealing with cancer. I am still fearing more surgeries or facing a week at a time away from my kids. You cannot imagine the grief of sitting in a room and hearing life continue around you... kids crying for mom, laughing with a movie on, eating dinner.... and you cannot be even a little part of it. Why can't I be? Cause I am radioactive. A treatment that has shown connections to future lymphomas if you have had high doses. I will have my second round of this treatment in the first six months of treatment for a cancer that is chronic. Do you hear that? Chronic. This is one of those cancers that will be with me forever. I will have months and years possibly where it is not there but odds are it will be back. It has something like a 30% reoccurrence rate, and that is if you have simple papillary cancer. I have a super aggressive form. I will most likely face more surgeries. More radioactive treatments. Blood draws every 3-6 months. Yearly scans. Yearly low iodine diets. It will not end for me.

So, I have this feeling of needing to "suck it up and move on."  I cannot grieve in public. I hate being the "cancer wife." I hate that I am in a new state with no support system. When I was first diagnosed- I was surrounded with love. If I was having a hard morning- I walked next door and cried on Melissas sofa. If I needed a break from life- I had people to take my kiddos. People who loved and adored my kiddos, and vice versa. Here- nothing.

I come to this blog to say what is in my heart. I did that at first with this diagnosis. Then, I stopped. I stopped because I did not want to lose followers cause I was depressing. I mirrored on my blog what I did in normal life. I hid my feelings and smiled (or blog hopped) as thought nothing was wrong. When someone asks me how I am... I answer with a smile and "I'm good" "things could be worse" "this wont kill me" sort of answers. I reassure them. I reassure THEM.

How am I really doing? I am dying inside. I have no one to go to on hard days. I feel a distance from Lee because life has brought this stress into our lives. A lot of nights- I am in upstairs and in bed by 8.  When he gets home- we do dinner and I disappear. If it was up to me, most days I would hide in my bed all day long.

Know what sucks? Being sad over this and then feeling guilty too. I feel guilty that my kids have lost their mother in all this. I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. I would love to say that cancer brought me this new zest for life. That I am grateful for everything now. That I live life to the fullest everyday. Not true. I am a shadow of myself. I have no energy. I am depressed. Guess who suffers? My family. My family gets the leftovers after I spend all day smiling and acting though nothing is wrong for everyone else. So, tack guilt on to my list of adjectives for this last six months.

I have been approached by friends in the last few years over things I have said on my blog that hurt their feelings. I cannot apologize for those words. Honestly, this is the one place I can be myself on thsoe days when I finally face the things I feel. I do not face them often cause it is not my style- but when I do, like today, this is my safe place. Some may judge me. Or decide our friendship cannot withstand my blog posts. That would make me sad. But truth be told, I need this blog. I need these posts. I know that they do not make everything better when they are done. I still have cancer. I am still one week away from finding out what comes next. Last time I had an ultrasound- I could not understand what was being said (in a German hospital) but I knew it was bad. I was right. It told us that my cancer was advanced and worse than we thought. I faced that alone in a hospital on lockdown from radioactive iodine. This time- I will face it alone. Again. In a Colorado hospital. And I will once again, put on a brave face and then cry in private.