Procrastination is the word of the day. Awe- I am lying. It is the word of my last six months! I need to be making phones calls today. I need to call my Insurance Case Manager. I have some questionf regarding a bill I received etc and referrals for US etc. She called today. I called back twice but got her machine and did not want to leave a message. Yet- I still haven't called her back. I need to make that phone call!
I also need to call the VA to check about what is happening with my approval to start school. I turned in the paperwork the middle of January and they downloaded them within like 2 days. Yet- there is nothing on their site! It is frustrating. I guess it is better though for now since I still have another week until I find out what is in the cards for my next step of treatment. That will control a ton of things.
Time seems to be flying by anymore. The days are a blur and the weeks just pass by. It is hard to believe that it is half way through February. I feel like I completely missed September 20012- now. Part of me feels like this is happening because I am letting it. I am not taking everyday and drinking in every single second. For instance, intead of sitting on this computer and typing to strangers- I should be cuddling with my son. Running outside. Teaching him how to ride his bike. Working on his letters and numbers. Yet- here I sit. Everyday has grand plans... that do not come to fruition.
I said the other day that I did not have a new zest for life but maybe I was wrong. I want better. I want the best life possible. I want this for my entire family. Not just for me. I want memories. I want Hais to remember a mom that laid in bed with her at night. A mom that she could not wait to tell everything to. I want to read together. I want her to think of her childhood and smile. I do not even want her to remember cancer as a part of our lives. I think to myself- she is the one that I worry about having the long term effects of this. I keep thinking that once I have an "all clear" from the drs- my life will go forward. Once I get used to the fact that my constant reminder will always be my neck- I can move forward.
A thing I want to mention about is working out. I had a friend tell me recently that I am not choosing to take care of my mental state. She said that I know what the problem is and am not doing what I need to do. While I could be hurt by that comment- there is a truth to it. I know that while I do not want to get on that elliptical- I will feel amazing afterwards. I also know that I need to start running again. I definitely saw a difference in my weight but more importantly I saw a difference in my mood. I am not sure if it was the endorphins or maybe just the alone time. That is hard to find these days. This post makes me smile to read it and remember how I felt on these days. I want so badly to be back at that place. Really- it is all in my control. Nothing is stopping me from doing it. I guess a little bit is fear. I felt so safe running in the early mornings in Germany. In my little town. Here, not so much. Any of my running fans have any words of advice. Honestly- early morning is the only time I enjoy running. I like getting it over with first thing in the morning. Not only that- one of the major benefits I see from it- my mood the rest of the day. I read that line about "seeing a better relationship with Hais" and it makes me sad. As she is getting older- that close relationship is even more important.
Ok this post has been ALL OVER the place, just like my brain lately!
No comments:
Post a Comment