One month down!

 

Today is one month since that horrible awful surgery.

Feeling so fantastic today.

I am still swollen. Still tired. Still not Cancer Free.

Still overwhelmed.

Yet... still healing also.

 

 Sorry for this yucky picture. But you need to see the first two to appreciate the next few.

 

 

Here are some awesome pictures of C and I from yesterday.  What is so great about them... You can BARELY see my incision!! I see it. You probably see it now that I say something. But the average person looking at these pictures--- you can hardly see the 11 inch scar that is exactly a month old today!

 

You also cannot tell the swelling. This seriously makes me happy cause it is a huge issue for me... I feel so swollen- so I must look swollen. The same as when you feel that zit on your face and it feels gigantic- but in the mirror you barely notice it! lol

 

I have a long journey still in front of me. There may be some more "lows" in my future. There is a promise of a lot of "highs" though as well. I am excited for what the future holds.

 

I am glad this day is in my past... driving to my endocrinologist appt in Denver earlier this week... look at that temperature! WOW!

Who hikes 44 miles in 2 days on purpose?

I did something crazy. Something that I am sure I will regret at many moments in time in the next 7 months. Yet in the end, it will be amazing. One of the best decisions I will ever make.

 

I signed up for the Project Athean Rim2Rim2Rim.  Sept 12-16, 2013 I will be hiking from the South Rim of the Grand Canyon to the North Rim and back to the South Rim. It will be a 24 mile and 12-14 hour hike on the first day. 20 miles and 11-13 hours the second day.

 

Here is the description on their site...

 

"Ever dream of hiking not just IN the Grand Canyon, but across it?? AND BACK?? The Project Athena Rim to Rim to Rim Fundraising God/ Goddess Adventure is an unforgettable and life changing experience, and with every step, you are helping inspirational Survivors get one step closer to living their own adventurous dreams. Gods/Goddesses will start their journey on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon and hike 24 miles to the North Rim (an awesome 6,000 foot elevation gain), where we will stay in rugged cabins and enjoy a warm meal. On the second day of the trek, we will hike 20 miles from the North Rim back to the South Rim on a different route—taking in INCREDIBLE views on the final 5,000 foot climb out of the canyon. Even more meaningful than the views, though, is the camaraderie and friendship that develops with your fellow Gods and Goddesses as you laugh, cry, encourage and care for one another along the way. We travel as a team and share the luuuuuuuuv. For the icing on the cake, the last day of the adventure will be spent on the South Rim exploring, relaxing and celebrating your success in the most beautiful place on earth"

 

So, their is a back story to this...

 

When I was diagnosed on August 24, 2012, my girlfriend Hollie brought me a stack of magazines to distract me until Lee got back from Afghanistan. One of the magazines was a SELF from Oct 2011. They had a focus section on Young Womens Cancer Alert. It had a ton of details about different cancers but they only had one feature story in that section. It was about a woman who was diagnosed with my form of cancer about my age. This story was a few years after her diagnosis and she was doing this Rim2Rim2Rim. I remember reading it with tears in my eyes. I was thinking about how this wasn't a death sentence! I was so overwhelmed with the diagnosis. All I heard was CANCER! CANCER! CANCER!

 

This made me realize there was more life in me. She was a military wife. My age. My diagnosis. She was alive! I remember calling Hollie and telling her that it was a sign. That it was going to be okay. She told me that one day- it would be my story in a magazine. I would be the survival story.

 

I am not trying to be in a magazine. I am just trying to live my life as big as I can live it.  I cannot think of anything much bigger than the Grand Canyon.

 

Mind you- I have never hiked. I have to do three hikes that are GPS tracked in the next few months. One lasting 4 hours, one lasting 6 hours and one lasting 8 hours. Wow!

 

So... I even roped my bestie into this! Sucker! No. She loves me . She has been such a support through all of this- along with many others- and how fun to do this together. Plus, 5 days together! Woohoo! Including a day in Sedona after the hike, relaxing!!

 

I have to fundraise $2,000 to do this. I have a fundraising page set up. Obviously, I will take any donations I can get. Even if you do not want to donate.... I hope you will go to this amazing organizations site and read about them. They are amazing. Doing amazing things for women who face setbacks in life. As they say- helps them get their "mojo" back!

 

Here is my site- incase you are interested!!

Brenna Rim2Rim2Rim

Here is to 2013...

 

2012 sorta sucked. I refuse to let 2013 suck as well.

This is the year of many things- not resolutions- just improvements that will

make 2013 an awesome year.

I deserve an awesome year.

 

One of the things I vow to do this year is get back to running.

I have always seemed to gravatate towards running.

When I had a big test in high school- I would record my notes onto a tape and listen to it on

my tape player (wow- tape player) while running.

 

When my high school love broke up with me and I thought I would die (oh to be 18 again and

that be the worst thing ever)- I ran. And ran. And ran.

 

In 2011- I started running. For once- not for any reason other than to get healthy.

I went to bed one night saying I would start the C25K program the next morning. I did.

I fell in love.

I ran 4-5 times a week. At 5:30am. I loved it.

 

I saw the weight fall off. I lost roughly 28lbs in three months. Between running and

Weight Watchers- I felt better than I ever have.

I ran the CIM with my girlfriends and then enjoyed the rest of my trip to

the States.

 

When I returned to Germany- I ran 2-3 times a week but slowly fell out of habit and

then my energy just dropped.

Now I know why. Darn thyroid!

 

So- I want that feeling back. I want that runners high. I want the weight to start coming off.

I am dedicating the next 5-6 months to WW, running and hopefully getting my meds regulated.

 

About a month ago-on a whim- I signed up for a 5k for New Years Day. I knew it would be

only 2 weeks after surgery but I knew I could walk it if I had to. The point was just

to complete it.

 

So- this morning- we went to Palmer Park for the Rescue Run 2013.

Their motto is "Rain, Snow, Twenty Below."

It was 18 degrees when we pulled into the parking lot.

The ground was covered in snow and ice.

 

 

 

Hais ran it with me. It was so fun to do with my little girl! Look how adorable she is! She could

have totally run it but she hung with momma.

This course was SOO hard. Rougher than anyone I have ever done!

It was straight up hill the first mile.

We jogged a little at the beginning and then I had to stop. Literally, 1/4 mile in, I was comtemplating stopping. I could not catch my breath and felt super light headed. Think it was a combo

of altitude (6610 feet at highest) and the tightness in my neck from surgery still messing with me.

I walked it off and eventually it totally passed.

 

 

We finished in 51 minutes. That is a long time for 3.1 miles but I feel awesome about it.

We did it.

 

2013.

I will not let anything stop me from making this my year.

Not my weight.

Not the altitude.

Not this cancer.

2 weeks after sugery. 11 inches of scar on my neck. 100+ stitches.

Major swelling. 18 degrees outside. 6610 feet elevation.

I rocked a 5k.

 

Here is to owning 2013!

Looking for the light

Today was one of those days. I struggled. I was bitchy. I was emotional. I cried. I snapped at people. I would love to blame this or that. I would love to pinpoint one thing. Honestly, think it is a combo of things. I woke up this morning to an announcement on Facebook from a Facebook friend that she is preggo. Mind you- she is like 2 weeks preggo. She just had RnR with her hubby and is barely preggo. I am honestly happy for her, deep down. Yet my gutteral reaction is pissiness. How dare her be preggo. And that easy? I am just bitter. Bitter cause of the cancer issue but moreso because of the 6 negative fertility rounds and the eventual miscarriage at nearly 12 weeks. Bitter because I want another baby and I am not sure it is ever in my cards.

I want to be back to the carefree fun B. I am tired of the ups and downs. Yet I know that is a reality of my life now. There is always going to be a struggle to get the right medication dose and unfortunately that dose controls my thyroid function and therefor my mood....

Onto some tid bits from lately...

-Got on the treadmill the other day for the first time in months... Probably since June of this year. I am struggling with the altitude here. Plus the weight I have gained from the stress, medications, American food... lol... Took me 28 minutes to do a mile and a half. Definitely a long way from this time last year when I ran 7.8 miles!! Yet I have to start somewhere!!

- I registered for the Color Run in Sacramento August 3, 2013 with my bestie! I am sooo excited. I am determined to do at least 3-4 runs this year. No specific distances in mind... just back to running. I love what it did to my body.  I am also signing up for Weight Watchers Feb 1! I have to wait for this next round of Radiation to be done since I have to go on that special Low Iodine Diet two weeks prior.

- We got a new car!! Well, actually a van. A Toyota Sienna. Our van was only 2 1/2 yrs old but we were having constant issues with our brakes and did not like the warranty service they provided. So happy with our purchase!

-My momma arrives this coming Sunday to be here for the surgery. My mother in law has been here since the beginning of the month. Oh- having the Neck Dissection done next Tuesday the 18th.  7-8 inches of new scar across my neck. We had a CT/PET scan done and the results were awesome. I still have cancerous nodes in there but they are not as big or as many as we thought... which means the last round of Radiation worked some... So this surgery should eliminate enough that the Radiation will eliminate the rest.

-I found a program I am going to apply to. It is an accelerated 14 month BSN (Bachelor of Science in Nursing). I would start May 2014 and finish August 2015.  Awesome! Just missed the darn application period for this coming May. I do have a few classes I need to do as pre-req's though...

-We got our first real good snow! There are still patches of snow/ice on the road in our neighborhood.

 -Found this letter Hais had written to Santa.  Breaks my heart and makes me proud as well!

 -Had Hais 10th birthday party last weekend. It was Cake Boss theme. They each made their own apron. Then decorated their own 6 inch premade cake. We rounded it out with making their own pizzas. We had a ball. Lee and my mother in law took Carter out for a few hours to make it a little less chaotic. It was actually easy having a sleepover with that age girls!

-Our house is all put together. Everything is all unpacked. The pictures are now on the walls! Feels so much better to know I will come home to my stuff/bed etc after surgery!

-

Hotel Living and baby makin'

So...we are officially homeless! We cleared housing today and are living in the hotel n post...which is awesome. Finally got a good sleep last night. Think the amount of stress lately is wearing on me. I have had a sty in my eye, a cold sore, back pain and general weakness lately. I know it is stress. What can you do though? I feel a huge relief today. I am more relaxed and can finally take a big breath.

Hard to believe that this time next week... We will be waking up in Colorado. That is awesome. Unbelievable how fast it has gone.

So...some updates. My neck is healing beautifully. It is numb around the scar and up to my chin. Small price to pay though. But the actual scar is great.

Our house is going great. Still set to close on November 8. I cannot wait to see it and only one more week until we get to!

I convinced myself I had MRSA. I believe I may have cervical cancer. My husband believes I am not officially a hypochondriac. Lol...Get cancer. It happens. Haha (by the way...I don't have either).

I have been a lot more confident lately. I know this is treatable.i know this time next year I will be ok. So that makes me think of my future more. I am so sad we lost the baby this past spring. Now I thank that baby for saving my life. Since I was no longer preggo- I finally was able to have my thyroid taken care of. I would have put it aside even longer. But I haven't lost my desire for the third Koko baby. That may seem crazy. At this point, I don't even have the energy for the two I have. Getting preggo can raise hormone levels that some say can increase my risk of cancer. Not saying it will happen... Heck, the hubby isn't even on board, but it is tempting.

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Exhausted

Cannot stop flipping between totally positive/gonna "kick this cancers ass"/this is the good cancer feeling and overwhelmed/negative/don't wanna be dealing with this sort of attitude.

I need to keep reminding myself...this is not unbeatable. This will suck. But it is not unbeatable.

I will beat this. One year from now, life will be normal again.

Fall is my favorite time of year. Maybe this fall will not be ideal. Yet, next year will only be better right?


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A place for my thoughts

So... Been thinking that I need to blog again. I have never claimed a specific focus on my blog. Wouldn't call myself a mommy blogger. Or a military wife blogger. Or a do-it-yourself blogger. Now I will say... I a a cancer survivor blogger.
There are days since my diagnosis where I am totally consumed with heart pounding thoughts. I have had what feels like the start of panic attacks lately. In my waking moments, I sometimes find myself wondering what life will be like next year at this time. I wonder about who my new doctors will be in Colorado.
So, an update. I had radiation. The first day, we found out that my neck is totally overrun with cancer. There are tons of lymph nodes involved and they are huge. I felt totally overwhelmed hearing that. I will need a radical neck dissection. They will cut from each of my ears to the outside edges of my thyroidectomy scar and clean out my neck. It is a HUGE. I am reading 6-10 hours of surgery people. Then a month later, another round of radiation.
The good news from that weekend of radiation treatment, it has not spread beyond my neck. With my type- it can spread to the lungs... It hasn't!
I'm not a super churchy person... But my girlfriend sent me a picture on Facebook with the quote- sometimes god calms the storm. Sometimes he lets the storm rage on and calms his child. As I sat in the full body scan that morning- I kept repeating... Calm the Storm. Calm the Storm.
When I got the results... I have never been soooo grateful in my life. Never.

While I have to face a big surgery. Another round of radiation. I get life. How can I not be grateful.

Yet, I still have stressed out moments. So now I will come here. I will talk them through here. I will use this forum to vent my stress. My sadness. My exhaustion. My fear.

If that is not what you signed up for when you became a follower of this blog... I understand you not following anymore... I need a place to deal with this...

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Location:Hammerstadtweg,Lehrberg,Germany

Life on hold

I feel like life is on hold. I can't make any moves cause I am awaiting what that scan will show. I go through everyday.... A smile on my face... Doing normal stuff (with a lot less energy). I'm tired. Physically, of course. Emotionally, obviously.
I know this is a cancer that won't kill me. Yet, I feel like a shell of myself. I crawl into bed at 5:30-6 pm each night and lay here wondering what to think. I did a lot today but feel like I'm just going through the motions. I want to enjoy every second with my family but I am so drained.

I don't think anyone gets it either. First off, due to me pushing myself and keeping that smile on my face. Constantly. Also, cause they can't understand. They have no clue how hard being hypo is. NO thyroid function... Essentially effects all aspects of your body function. I'm tired. My mind is all screwy. More importantly... My body just cannot hang. I need to crawl into bed at 6pm. Yet my mind is not ready for bed. So I lay here cause my body just cannot move anymore today. I will finally fall asleep after awhile and then a few hours later I will toss and turn for hours.

The morning is the best time for me. Even waking up at 5am with Carter lately, I feel ok. But by 9:30am, my eyes are heavy and my body weak.

I try not to complain. Really, I have it easy. After reading some people's experiences going hypo... I am lucky! I think my body is celebrating that big chunk of cancer being out of my body!

Another crappy aspect, the Low Iodine Diet I have to be on for two weeks before radiation starts. Everything has iodine! Today for lunch, I ate a piece of iodine free white bread I made with all natural peanut butter sprinkled with cinnamon/sugar, an apple and some craisins. I had to watch everyone else eat my favorite curry wurst and pommes though:( Only four more days though! Woohoo! I already stocked up on snacks to bring to the hospital with me. The minute that pill is in my system... Bring on normal food! Lol

I am down 7 lbs though! In a week and a half! Yay!

Enough complaining. I have a treatable cancer. I have an easy form of treatment....compared to others. I have AMAZING support. Family and friends from all over the world calling, messaging, flying to me! Hugs that have meant the world to me. Cookies in the mail. Uplifting messages that seem SO well timed. A dad who is deathly afraid of long flights- made the journey here to Germany. In laws who have loved me like their own daughter and totally relieved some of the parental pressures so Lee & I could get our stuff together!

The military community we are in has rallied. Been our "net." The group downrange sending Lee home and getting paperwork to release him from theater quick. Getting his personal stuff sent back ASAP. Offering help in getting us back stateside ASAP. Offering to watch kids, push paperwork, contact their "friends," find Lee jobs at certain locations, get groceries for us, send flowers... The list goes on and on!

There is never a way to thank everyone. Not adequately anyhow. There will never be a way. Even in the worst of moments... We feel blessed. And loved.

Tomorrow morning, Lee and I will go to a long coffee together. We are going to sit down and make our plan. A PCS is happening. Quick! Made even quicker because of the stress of my first radiation treatment being right in the middle of all this. So, we are sitting down and making our list of tasks. Here. We. Go.



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Location:My bed

Update

 Yep. Still have cancer. The colors for it rock though. My girlfriends had a bunch of these bracelets made for all of us. Pink, teal and blue.

I actually have diffuse sclerosing papillary thyroid cancer. If you look it  up- there is not much out there. Like 0.08% of thyroid cancers are this type. It is more aggressive but once treated- same prognosis as other types. Still good. There is a good risk it is in my lungs. But that is livable.

 Lee got his paperwork releasing him from theater (he won't be returning to Afghanistan this deployment). So he is now starting the work on getting us back to the states asap. I will have my initial treatment here Sept 20. One round of Radioactive Iodine Therapy. Then a full body scan to see exactly what we are dealing with. Then I want to be stateside to do further treatment.

We will be heading to Colorado still hopefully... just a few months earlier than planned. Ideally I would love his report date to be mid-Dec... and we would leave here the end of Nov. Not how I wanted to leave this place that I have loved for 4+ years- in a rush. But you do what you have to do right??

My inlaws have been amazing. Totally taken care of the house and kiddos (and hubby & I).  I have been showered with flowers, well wishes, prayers etc.   I have this amazing bracelet to remember how much I am loved and supported through this all. My sister and dad arrive in three days to help for 5 weeks!! Woohoo!!

My sis will also be moving to Colorado to live with us to help out. In spite of the crap- I feel blessed. This cancer sucks. Yet- it has covered me in love. It has had my "net" surround me and support me. It is treatable and livable!

Papillary Thyroid Cancer

Yep. At 33, I have it. Went in last week for a thyroidectomy. Two days later- the reports were in- cancer. I NEVER even considered it a possibility- so to say I was blindsided- is a major understatement.

It is treatable. It is *the cancer* to have. It is slow moving. Treatments are easy (comparatively to others).

I know all this.

I'm 33.

I have 2 adorable kiddos.

I have cancer.

I am in a foreign country.

Luckily- my husband is home. I am 99% sure he will not be leaving me to head back to war. We should know better later this week for sure.

I know I have an amazing net of support.

I am blessed to feel SOOO much love.

I have friends offering frequent flyer miles to get family here.

I know I want to be stateside and feel my best friends hand in mine. To hug my dad. To comfort my mom- who is usually the rock in these situations and I can hear her crumbling over the phone.

I love that my mother in law is here and we will get my father in law in two days.

I love that the Army got my husband home in an insanely quick timeframe. 

I love that I can be positive a majority of the time and know that no matter what the full body scan shows in a few weeks- there is a lot of promise for treatment options.

Ugh.